(Our math class is notorious for having not-so-bright students, and watching them is pretty entertaining…)

Teacher: “All right, we’re moving into the second unit of the year, and we’re going to do a quick tutorial to get us familiar with it.”

(My classmate raises her hand.)

Classmate: “I’m confused. What are we doing two of?

(The teacher gives her a strange look, as no one knows what she means.)

Teacher: “Two… of… what?”

Classmate: “You said you were showing us two things.”

Teacher: “Well, no, I’m going to show you a tutorial. Just one, I believe.”

Classmate: “Exactly what I mean. What is a ‘torial?'”

Teacher: “TUTORIAL, not—”

Classmate: “Exactly! What the heck is a ‘torial” and why do we need two of them?!”

(Some of my friends are talking about some guys.)

Friend #1: “He looked really good today.”

Friend #2: “Yeah. Well, he looks good when he’s wearing pants.”

(At this point I couldn’t control my laughter.)

Friend #2: “I actually meant when he’s wearing actual pants as in long pants.”

Me: “Yeah, I know, but it sounded so wrong!”

(My friends and I are having recess when this happens.)

Friend #1: *grabbing my arm* “Oh, [My Name]! Your arm is really smooth!” *starts stroking my arm*

Friend #2: “Let me see.” *grabs my other arm* “Oh, [Friend #1], they really are smooth!”

Me: “Uh, guys, maybe you should let go of my arms…”

Friend #3: *grabs my leg* “Yeah! And her legs are really smooth, too!”

Friend #1: *starts stroking my elbow* “Oh, but her elbows aren’t smooth!”

Me: “Well—”

Friend #2: *strokes my other elbow* “Yeah, [My Name], your elbows are really rough.”

Friend #3: *stroking my elbow as well* “Yeah, you should really moisturise them.”

Me: *wriggling out of their grasp* “You guys are so weird.”

Friend #2: “Well, it’s not our fault that your skin is so smooth!

Friend #1: “Except the elbows.”

Friend #3: *nodding* “Except the elbows.”

Me: “Thank you?”

(This happens during a history lesson when we are meant to be working.)

Classmate: “Isn’t something like one out of three people Chinese?”

Me: “No, it’s one out of five.”

(I look around the room at the other 30 classmates and narrow my eyes conspiratorially.)

Me: *mocking seriousness* “It could be any one of us…”

(In tenth grade I missed a lot of school because of a weak immune system. This happens after missing over twenty days in two and a half months.)

Teacher: [My Name], what can I do to make you come to school more often?”

Me: “I don’t know? Make me not sick?”

Teacher: “You should still come if you’re sick.”

Me: “But… I have no reason to. I’d just be sent home.”

Teacher: “I’ll bribe you.”

Me: “With what?”

Teacher: “I’ll buy you a coffee if you come to school two weeks in a row without missing a day.”

Me: “Coffee makes me sick.”

Teacher: “Juice?”

Me: “Orange juice?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

(I got a cold two days later and never did manage to get a free juice.)