Sign Of The Times

| Erie, PA, USA | Learning | August 22, 2013

(My high school is three stories tall, with stairs at either end of the building. One of the stairwells has doors leading onto the third floor which are labeled with bright red stickers with foot-tall letters reading ‘DO NOT OPEN: SILENT ALARM.’ I am talking to my friend on the first day of school.)

Me: “I wonder how long it will be until someone opens those?”

My Friend: “Oh, come on! Nobody’s that dumb!”

(Fast forward to a year and a half later. My friend and I are in class together. Outside the window, something outside catches my eye.)

Me: “Hey, look, a fire truck.”

(A couple of my classmates come to look.)

Me: “Hey, look. Another fire truck.”

(More classmates come to look.)

Me: “Hey, look. A police car.”

(Everyone in the classroom, including the teacher, is now headed for the windows.)

Me: “Hey, look, they’re all coming HERE! Do you think…”

(Sure enough, a freshman has missed the huge signs and has opened the silent alarm doors. Final total: six fire trucks, two police cars, one embarrassed freshman, and one entertained student body.)

My Friend: “Well, I was wrong. Somebody is that dumb!”

Love’s Recordings Lost

| Sweden | Learning | August 21, 2013

(I’m in ninth grade. Classmate #1 is holding a presentation on Shakespeare in Swedish class, and has recorded himself reading quotes from the Swedish translations of Shakespeare’s most famous plays.)

Classmate #2: “Wait, that was you talking in the recording?!”

Classmate #1: “Yeah, who did you think it was?”

Classmate #2: “I don’t know, Shakespeare?”

Rewarding Behavior

| AB, Canada | Learning | August 21, 2013

(At the end of my first year of high school, my school’s annual awards night is coming up. Only those who actually win an award are invited to attend. My brother, having recently graduated, is going to accept his final awards.)

Brother: “Dude, it’s awards night. Why aren’t you dressed up?”

Me: “I’m not going.”

Brother: “What? Why?”

Me: “I didn’t get an invitation, so I’m not winning anything.”

Brother: “Dude, you’re a straight-A student; you’ve been making the honor role forever. Trust me, you’re winning something.”

Me: “Then why didn’t I get an invitation?”

(This goes back and forth for a while. Finally, my brother accepts that I’m not going, and he goes alone. When he comes back, he’s gob-smacked to learn that I was right, and I didn’t win anything. The next day, at school, I see my brother has taken the day off work, and come down to see the principal. My brother shares the conversation he has with my principal.)

Brother: “I want to know why [my name] didn’t make the honor roll.”

Principal: “Obviously it’s because his grades weren’t good enough.”

Brother: “That’s bull-s***. My brother is the smartest guy I know. He’s always made the honor roll.”

Principal: “Well, lots of kids have trouble adjusting to high school. He probably just found high school harder than he thought it’d be.”

Brother: “I don’t believe that. He works hard, and he studies hard. Pull up his records right now and check his grades.”

Principal: “I hardly see the point of—”

Brother: “PULL. UP. HIS. RECORDS.”

(Humoring my brother, my principal pulls up my records, and goes pale. My principal sees my 91% average, which is more than enough to qualify me for the honor roll. It turns out no one at my high school had made the honor roll in years, so the administration just stopped checking. I got my award, and apologies from my principal, a week later. Quite honestly, that’s the nicest thing my brother has ever done for me! Thank you, brother!)

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Conceptualizing Contraception

| Tasmania, Australia | Learning | August 20, 2013

(We are in history class doing a partner project about world-changing inventions. My partner and I are researching the invention of the contraceptive pill. My partner hands me a book called ‘Assisted Conception.’)

Me: “That’s sort of the opposite of the pill.”

Partner: “Oh, yes it is. I thought it said ‘contraception.'”

Me: “If you don’t work those two out, you’re going to get into real trouble one day.”

School Sculpts Strong Minds

| QLD, Australia | Learning | August 20, 2013

(My English teacher loves ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Star Wars’. Our class is made up by six people, with only two guys. Our teacher is talking about Macbeth being a tragic hero, and putting other characters forward to compare.)

Teacher: “Like Darth Vader, he was a tragic hero by the key concepts—”

(The teacher spots Classmate #1 fiddling with his hat in a suggestive position.)

Teacher: “—what in the blazes are you doing?”

Classmate #1: *wide-eyed, before waving hand like a Jedi* “You see nothing. You shall continue teaching the class.”

Classmate #2: *waves hand to Classmate #1* “You shall admit that you were masturbating to [teacher].”

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