The Science Of Self-Incrimination

| Pennsylvania, USA | Learning | April 12, 2013

(I’m sitting in science class. The teacher mentions that he read something in the news about parents getting their pants in a bunch. It’s over their kids accessing porn sites by ‘accidentally’ stumbling upon it by looking up an innocent word like ‘lollypop.’)

Teacher: “I don’t know what the big fuss is about. My wife and I actually tried all last night to find something and all that came up were paid sites. I mean, unless these parents are giving their kids their credit cards, there’s no way the kids could have had access to this stuff.”

Me: *chuckles* “You’ve been searching under the wrong key words.”

(The entire class, including my teacher, turns and stares at me bug-eyed.)

Me: *head desk*

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It Was A Cownjugal Visit

| Illinois, USA | Learning | April 12, 2013

(I am a high school science teacher.)

Student: “Sperm stands for something, right?”

Me: “No, dude. You make sperm!”

Student: “But it could still stand for something!”

Me: “Oh yeah? Like what?”

Student: “Uh… Somebody… Please… Enter… Respectively… Moo?”

April Fool Leads To April Showers

| CT, USA | Romantic | April 11, 2013

(My boyfriend has a serious look on his face as he sees me enter our homeroom. He approaches me.)

Boyfriend: “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Boyfriend: “I’m moving to Florida. I have three months left to spend here.”

(We look at each other in silence for a moment.)

Boyfriend: “There’s one other thing.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “April Fool’s!”

(I give him a light slap.)

Me: “Screw you! You really had me worried!”

Boyfriend: “I got you!”

(I got him back later when I poured salt in his water bottle at lunch.)

Answering To A High School-er Power

| Wichita, Kansas, USA | Learning | April 11, 2013

(It’s my first year teaching high school. One of my students is incapable of turning in assignments or accepting anything I say without audible commentary.)

Me: “Your assignment was due last week. It’s a zero.”

Student: “But Mr. [my name], I had two soccer games so I couldn’t do it!”

Me: “I’m not going to argue with you. Games are not an excuse. It was on the homework page. It’s time for class, and you’re interrupting. Sit down and be quiet; the discussion is over.”

(I turn back to the board.)

Student: *stage whispers* “God!”

Me: “‘Mr. [my name] will be quite sufficient, [student’s name].”

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Why Cartesians Need To Coordinate With Cartography

| Wisconsin, USA | Learning | April 10, 2013

(I’m about to go on a high school exchange to Japan for a year. I’m required to mail them some homework to my math teacher in order to complete the semester I’d be missing.)

Me: “Hi, [math teacher!] I’m here to pick up my worksheets.”

Math Teacher: “Have fun in Japan and wherever else you go. Are you going drive across the border and explore China while you’re there? You really should while you can, young lady.”

(I was pretty embarrassed for him, so I stared at my shoes as I mumbled an awkward response.)

Me: “My host family doesn’t have any plans to fly there from the islands of Japan. I have to go.” *rushes out*

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