(A customer with the last name ‘Gay’ pops on my screen as I receive his call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

(As the customer asks questions about his bill and I answer, my obnoxious coworker looks over at the name on my screen.)

Coworker: “How can we help you today, Mr. Gay? You want to pay? What do you say? Yay or nay?”

(I give coworker a sign to shut up and continue the conversation until the caller is clear about his bill.)

Me: “Is there anything else we can do for you today, sir?”

Caller: “Fire that guy with the big mouth!”

Me: “Uh… Yes, sir.”

(When I told my coworker that Mr. Gay heard him his face turned red and he made it a point to keep his mouth in check from then on. It was the only time that day a customer WAS right.)

(I work at a call center selling TVs. All customers have to have a credit check performed to see what they’re eligible for as far as equipment. One caller has terrible credit, so the price is higher. I leave her my office number if she changes her mind. She calls me back.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I be of assistance?”

Caller: “Hi. I called yesterday and the price was stupid high. I finally got the letter in the mail telling me about all the free upgrades and s***. I want the better price now.”

Me: “That sounds great! Can I ask, did they run your credit score yesterday?”

Caller: “Nuh uh.”

Me: “Not a problem. So I can land you the best offer, let’s knock that out real fast.”

Caller: “I already gave all this information! Why the h*** do I have to give it again?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I thought you hadn’t run a credit check prior to our conversation.”

Caller: “Yes, I have! I just told you that! OPEN YOUR EARS!”

Me: “My mistake. When was the score checked?”

(I know when it was checked: yesterday, by me.)

Caller: “Jesus F****** Christ! I want a manager on the phone!”

Me: “Ma’am, a manager will tell you the same thing. I’m only trying to make sure we get you the best possible deal.”

Caller: “Fine…” *provides information*

Me: “Based on what you told me, this will be your price.”

(It’s something high because her credit is awful.)

Caller: “That’s the same price as yesterday! This is false advertisement! I’m going to sue!”

Me: “Ma’am, on the bottom left of your advertisement, you’ll see that all prices are based off a credit score.”

Caller: “That doesn’t matter! The flyer says I get a free upgrade and a better DVR!”

Me: “Upgraded from what exactly, ma’am?”

Caller: “From what you’re giving me today! That’s why I called! Now give me the f****** deal!”

(Dumbfounded, I figure I might as well argue insanity with insanity.)

Me: “I’m a big fan of green jello.”

Caller: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WANT A MANAGER!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Please hold.”

(I explain everything to our team lead and he gets on the phone.)

Team Lead: “Hi, ma’am. This is [Name]. How can I be of service?”

Caller: “You need to get your people in order. They don’t know s***!”

Team Lead: “Ma’am, are you saying you dislike green jello? Because we just won’t tolerate that.”

Caller: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT!?”

Team Lead: “An advertisement in the mail doesn’t change your credit score. That’s what my team member was telling you but you continued to act like a child. Do not call our department again unless you’re willing to be more polite to my team.”

Caller: “Y’all are trying to play me! I’m getting my momma. She’ll straighten you out!”

Team Lead: “I bet, considering the great job she did with you.”

(I work in a call center handling technical issues for a rather large international PC manufacturer. One of my coworkers is new and has gotten a call he can’t handle. I am listening in on my coworker sitting next to me, who offers to take the call. The company policy is that we don’t handle software issues, only hardware issues.)

Coworker: “Hello and welcome to [Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I think my PC has gotten a virus. Could you please help me?”

Coworker: “No problem. What I need you to do is place your PC directly at the center of the room it is located in, unplug all cables and leave it for 24 hours. Then the virus will go away.”

(At this point, I can’t believe my ears.)

Customer: “Okay, I will do that. Thanks!”

Coworker: “If you have any further questions, please call back. My name is [Name]. Just ask for me.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

(The call ends. Two days later, my coworker gets a callback from the same customer.)

Coworker: “Hello and welcome to [Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. We spoke two days ago. My PC had a virus. You asked me to place it in the middle of the room, unplug it and wait 24 hours. I did, and the virus is still there.”

Coworker: “Did you place it in the middle of the room?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Coworker: “Did you measure?”

Customer: “Er… no?”

Coworker: “It needs to be exactly in the middle of the room. Please measure and try again.”

Customer: “Okay…”

(The call ends. The customer never calls back.)

(I work at a large local cable and telephone company. My department deals with clients that haven’t paid their bills and had their service suspended. I have dealt with a lot of abuse everyday for the last two years. This has taken its toll and I’m now in my final week of my month’s notice. A particularly vile client has come through. We have suspended his cable service on the day of a big football match.)

Me: “Good afternoon. You’re through to [Cable Company]. My name is [First Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen, b****. You need to turn my cable back on right now! I’ve got f****** friends coming over to watch the match!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It looks like your service has been suspended as you have two months charges currently outstanding. We will be unable to reconnect your service without the account being settled in full. However, if you would like me to take a card payment now, I can get you reconnected in about 10 minutes.”

Customer: “Listen, you’ll get your money when I’m good and ready. I’m sick of your company. I swear I’m going to rip your f****** equipment out of the wall and throw it in the garden if you don’t switch it back on NOW!”

Me: “I wouldn’t advise that, sir. The box is leased, so any damage would be added to your bill. So, did you wish to make a card payment so I can get you reconnected?”

Customer: “LISTEN, YOU S***!”

Me: “Can you please refrain from using bad language? You have not paid your bill for two months and would have received a notice and a final notice to warn you of this. If you are unwilling to pay the bill today there is nothing further I can do for you. Once you pay at [Locations] or over the phone I can get you reconnected.”

Customer: “YOU F****** B****! YOU CONNECT MY TV RIGHT NOW OR I’M COMING DOWN THERE WITH A KNIFE AND A BASEBALL BAT AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! CONNECT IT NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU!”

(Although death threats are quite common, for some reason, maybe because I’m working my notice, I find this one extremely funny and begin to laugh.)

Customer: “WHAT ARE YOU F****** LAUGHING AT?! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Me: “The reason I’m laughing, sir, is that you have threatened to kill me despite me having your full name and address on screen. I could report you to the police but to be honest I think that would be a waste of their time. So, did you want me to process a payment or not?”

Customer: “I’M COMING DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE NOW WITH A BASEBALL BAT!”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure how you’re going to as you live in [Town about an hour and half drive] and I’m due to finish my shift in half an hour at an office where over 500 people are employed. You only have my first name and no idea what I look like, so I wish you well. Also, while you’ve been on the phone I’ve noticed your phone bill is also overdue and will make sure this service is also suspended so you do not incur any further fees to increase your outstanding balance. Now, if there is nothing further I can do for you I’ll have to say goodbye as I’m going home to watch the football match this afternoon.”

Customer: *unintelligible screams*

Me: *as brightly as possible* “In that case, thank you for your call. Goodbye.” *click*

(I pick up a call from what is supposedly a city-run call centre. The employee is looking for my mother, who is the head of household. It’s about 2 pm and she is at work, which I tell him, but he wants to give me his spiel anyway. It’s to do with carbon monoxide emissions from furnaces, and I am awkwardly ‘uh-huh’-ing through the whole thing. Finally:)

Employee: “Do you think you can relay that information to your mother? I also need a date to call back and reach her.”

Me: “Yes, I’ll tell her you called. Saturday around noon would probably be best.”

Employee: “Okay. Do you mind if I ask your name? We’ve been talking for like seven minutes and I don’t even know your name.”

(This strikes me as odd. I begin to get a bit uncomfortable because I’m not exactly having a casual conversation with my best friend, but see no harm in giving out my first name.)

Me: “It’s [first name].”

Employee: “That’s a nice name. My [relative] has the same name. Um… Looking at the time you picked up this call… How old are you?”

Me: *getting defensive* “I’m 18. How is this relevant to the call?”

Employee: “Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. But, do you go to college? It’s 2 pm.”

Me: *lying out of suspicion* “No. I work part time.”

Employee: “Oh… I’m working here, too, for the city. Yeah, I’m not much older than you. I’m 22. I have one last question for you. Do you want to be my friend?”

Me: *speechless*

Employee: “I mean, do you have Facebook? I want to be friends.”

(Realizing how creepy this is getting, I want to just get off the phone without slamming it down.)

Me: “No.”

Employee: “What about Twitter? Any other social media sites or anything?”

Me: “No. I deleted them all.”

(By this point, he sounded almost as uncomfortable as I was, and as soon as I established that I was hanging up he went right back to a very scripted ‘have a nice day’ speech. We’re still awaiting the ‘call back’ on Saturday, and I hope it doesn’t happen.)