(This is the second date with a guy I’d met online. The first date was okay…the guy was a little strange in an undefinable way, but seemed harmless. So, I’ve agreed to see him again. Note that I recently started wearing contact lenses. One is bugging me, so I rub my eye.)

Guy: “Is there something wrong with my eye?”

Me: “No, my contact was just itchy.”

Guy: “It’s because I’ve got a fake eye, isn’t it? Are they looking in the same direction?”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yeah, you look fine!”

Guy: “I can take it out if you want. Wanna see?”

Me: *realizing he’s serious* “No!”

Guy: “Here we go!”

(He proceeds to take his eyeball out at the dive bar and show it to me. I cringe and try not to look at what I assume is now a gaping hole in his face. He puts it back in.)

Guy: “Is it looking the right way again?”

(I am shopping with my husband at a well-known lingerie store. We overhear another couple talking about a bra.)

Wife: “You know, it just doesn’t look like they have this bra in my size.”

Husband: “What size again?”

Wife: “38C, honey.”

(The husband pulls out the 38D drawer.)

Husband: “But they have it in a 38D, beautiful.”

Wife: “Bras aren’t like a pair of pants! You can’t just use a belt to make them tighter. It doesn’t work that way!”

Husband: “Oh…uh, wishful thinking?”

Wife: “Well, I never!

(The wife storms out of store with her husband trailing behind.)

Me, to my husband: “Note to you: never say that to me.”

My husband: “I would never dream of it. You’d kill me, and then my mom would bring me back and kill me again!”

(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)

Also seen on: Not Always Right

(This happens just after Father’s Day, as my siblings and I always get our father a special “Dad’s Bag” from a well-known Australian retailer. It includes an assortment of candies and chocolates.)

Mum: “You going to share your chocolate with me?”

Dad: “Sure…”

(My dad starts sorting through the chocolate, while mum waits expectantly.)

Dad: “Hmm, not this one. I love these ones…”

(My dad keeps sorting, while mum continues to wait patiently.)

Dad: “Not this one either…”

(Finally, my dad reaches deep in bag, and looks back at my mum.)

Dad: “Oh, here you go! I’ll share this with you!”

Mum: *excitedly* “Oooh, what is it?

Dad: “The card!”

Mum: *not so excited*

This story is part of our Father’s Day roundup.

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(Two college-aged guys of similar age to myself come up to the register with a box of condoms. Note: I’m male myself.)

Customer 1: “We’re not gay, you know.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #1: “Well, we’re not.”

Me: “Okay, I know.”

(I finish the transaction, and they’re about to leave.)

Me: “Have a nice evening.”

Customer #2: “So…uh…are you doing anything when you get off? We’d like to hang out.” *winks at me*