Age Is But A (Phone) Number

, , , , | | Romantic | October 14, 2009

(I’m dealing with a male customer in his forties or fifties at the checkout stand.)

Me: “Do you have a rewards card?”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have it with me.”

Me: “That’s perfectly fine. Can I have your phone number?”

Customer: “Uh… can I ask you a personal question?”

Me: “Sure?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “I’m seventeen.”

Customer: “Awesome! I’m gonna go home and tell my wife a seventeen-year-old asked for my number. Thanks!”

 

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Someone’s About To Get Smacked To The Future

, , , , | | Romantic | March 19, 2009

Coworker: “Yes, miss. I understand it’s an emergency, But let me ask my coworker. He probably knows what you’re looking for!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “This woman was sent in looking for an item. She said it’s called a… a… something capacitor.”

Me: “Well, we don’t really carry any capacitors here. That’s more of a true electronics store thing.”

Customer: “Please, it’s my son’s birthday and my husband says that we desperately need to find a 120 volt flux capacitor for my son’s Xbox!”

Me: “Ma’am, unless you have a Mr. Fusion, I don’t know where you’re gonna need something like that.”

Customer: “What do you mean? My husband said this was an emergency! I have been to 3 stores and no one knows what I’m talking about!”

Me: *laughs* “Well, your husband sent you for a part to a time machine.”

Customer: “I am going to kill that man!”

 

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A Heady Proposition

, , , | | Romantic | September 20, 2008

Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL! Can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead nine months…)

Female customer: “Is your name [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I opened the envelope, and sure enough, there was a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

 

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From Runaway Bride To Ex-Wife

, , , , | | Romantic | August 12, 2008

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I always return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well, sir, you returned–”

Husband: “I said I always return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

Husband: “I’m not paying this, so you better take it off now!”

Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We always return our movies on time!”

Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

Husband: “Oh, yeah, that’s right; we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b****!”

(The wife proceeds to slap her husband, take the keys, and drive away, leaving her husband in the store.)

Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

Husband: “Oh, s***, really?”

 

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Occasionally, Minute Men Do Come In Handy

, , | Quebec City, Canada | Romantic | July 17, 2008

(Please note that I work in a beautiful 4-star hotel.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen size bed. Is that okay for you?”

Wife: “How much is it?”

Me: “$127.”

Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the 5th floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

(22 minutes later…)

Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

Me: May I ask you why?

Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but I can’t give you your money back… you stayed in the room for 25 minutes.”

Wife: “… and?!”

Me: “Why didn’t you come back after 5 minutes?”

Wife: “… because!”

(We all know what they did during 25 minutes!)

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