(I’m a straight female, but my friend is lesbian. This is the first time I’ve met her dad.)
Friend’s dad: “You’re a very sweet girl. My daughter is lucky to have you. You’ll make a great couple.”
(I am dumbfounded.)
Friend: “Dad! I told you she was just a friend!”
Friend’s dad: “Oh, darn. But you looked way too chummy to be just friends.”
Friend: “Unlike males, girls can be that chummy and just be friends.”
(My parents and I are watching television and talking about nothing.)
Dad: “You know what day of the year most children are born?”
Me: “September 9?”
Dad: “Close. October 9.”
Mom: “Yeah, because if you rewind nine months, that’s around New Years Eve, right?”
Dad: “Right.”
Mom: *referring to me* “Well, in her case, I guess if you rewind nine months, it’s right around.”
Dad: “My birthday.”
(My parents laugh and I cringe.)
Mom: “You were your dad’s birthday present, just so you know.”
Me: “Oh my God. I’m going upstairs now.”
(My boyfriend and I are watching my favourite movie, ‘Love, Actually’. When it gets up to my favourite part, he stands up in front of the TV.)
Me: “Hey! Down in front. You know I love this part.”
(He pulls out a sign like the one the actor on screen has, except it says Kitty Cat, his nickname for me. He looks into my eyes, and moves on to the next card.)
Card #1: “Kitty Cat,”
Card #2: “I will love you until the end of time,”
Card #3: “I am in pain whenever you’re gone,”
Card #4: “Will you do me the greatest honour and be my wife?”
Card #5: “I know we talked about how I never wanted to get married,”
Card #6: “But for you I would make the greatest leap,”
Card #7: “I love you.”
(I am speechless, and just throw myself at him.)
Him: *chuckling and hugging me* “Is that a yes, or a no?”
(My boyfriend and I are currently long-distance. He promises me that there is something in the mail for me, but it might not get to me for a while. I respond with an expression of excitement/anticipation.)
Me: “Meep!”
Boyfriend: “Trying to imagine that sound physically being made just seriously improved my night.”
Me: “I have so many sounds, I’m like a Bop-it Extreme, but without physical violence.”
Boyfriend: “You mean I can’t bop, twist, flick, spin, and/or pull you?”
Me: “While many of those actions could be appropriate, especially in swing dancing, flicking will definitely be met with angry sounds and a return attack.”
(My parents are discussing what they would do if they won the lottery. Somehow the conversation turns to how they’d try to kill the other person, and make it look like an accident so they could keep all the money for themselves.)
Dad: “Well, we could go on a cruise and I’d throw you overboard. Quick and clean and they’d probably never find the body.”
Mom: “No way! There’d be way too many witnesses! I’d probably just fill you full of beer and push you down the stairs.”
Dad: “Wow, this a really messed up conversation, huh?”
Me: “Gee, you think?!”
Mom: *to me* “Honey. I guarantee when you’re married as long as your dad and I have been, you’ll be thinking of places to hide a body.”
