Sometimes On The John But Always On The Job

, | Right | October 13, 2009

(I’m taking a restroom break in one of our single-person restrooms. I am also male. A female customer breaks the flimsy lock and barges in.)

Me: “Whoa! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to use the restroom. Your door handle was broken.”

Me: “Ma’am, it was locked, and there is another restroom for women to use right next to you!”

Customer: “Huh? I didn’t notice that before.”

(She continues to stand there for a bit, while I’m still covering myself up.)

Me: “Um, I was hoping to use the restroom. Can you please close the door and let me finish?”

Customer: “Actually I was wondering if you could help me find the baking stuff?”

Me: “I can’t, I’m using the restroom. Can’t you see that?”

Customer: “Good Lord, I’m never coming back here! Your service is awful!”

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Not Responsible For Lost Or Eaten Children

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2009

(Our zoo recently put several robotic dinosaurs in the park to help boost attendance. While working a snack stand, a family of three walks up to me.)

Father: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Father: “Are the dinosaurs real?”

Me: “No, sir. They are not.”

Father: “But we saw them move…”

Me: “They are robotic dinosaurs. They have parts to make them move a little.”

Father: “Then why are they in the zoo if they are not real?”

Me: “It’s to teach our guests about dinosaurs.”

Son: “So are they real, dad?”

Father: *suddenly angry* “No, they are not! These f***ing people have fake animals!”

(As the father and son begin to walk away, the mother stays behind to tell me one last thing.)

Mother: “You know, dear, maybe you should get real dinosaurs. That way you won’t have problems like this.”

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A Lack Of Common Scents

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to know how much it is to de-scent my cat. He was a stray that was eating our other cats’ food and we decided to keep him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t de-scent a cat. He may be spraying to mark his territory, and if he is, we can neuter him.”

Customer: “I assure you my cat has scent glands! He backs up to furniture, marks them, and if you startle him, he will turn around and try to mark you! And he’s mean, too! If you try to come near him, he growls and tries to bite.”

Me: “Ma’am, cats don’t spray when startled usually. Are you sure it’s a cat?”

Customer: “Well, yes.”

Me: “What color is it, ma’am?”

Customer: “Black and white.”

Me: “What do his markings look like?”

Customer: “All black with two white stripes down its back.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is not a cat. That is a skunk.”

Customer: “Well, you have obviously never seen a cat before!” *hangs up*

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The Dark Chocolate Knight

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2009

(I work in a coffee shop. I am on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)

Me: “Oh, my God! It’s BATMAN!”

(The boy stops, strikes a pose, and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)

Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”

Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”

(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)

Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”


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Do As I Say, Not As I Say

, , , | Right | October 12, 2009

(I’m ringing up a customer and her child.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: *doesn’t answer*

Customer’s Child: “HELLO!”

Me: “Hi!”

Customer’s Child: HELLO!”

Me: “Hi!”

(I do this a few more times with the child while I finish ringing up the items. I turn to the customer again, thinking she didn’t hear me the first time.)

Me: “How are you today, ma’am? Your total is $[total].”

Customer: *messes in her bag and ignores me*

Me: “Ma’am? Your total is $[total].”

Customer: “You know why I’m not answering you? Because you were too busy talking to speak to my child!”

Me: “I did respond to her… several times, in fact.”

Customer: “You did not!”

Me: “I assure you I did. I looked right at her, and she was looking at me.”

Customer: “Well, she must not have heard you or she wouldn’t have repeated herself so many times. Next time stop chatting and do your job!”

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