(My sister and I share a car. I have quite a few papers in there that I need for work.)
Sister: “Dude, when are you going to take out your papers?”
Me: “I don’t know. Why is the sky blue?”
Sister: “Because blue is the most scattered color in the light spectrum. Now, when are you going to take out your papers?”
Me: “I’m afraid that I don’t have a concrete answer to that.”
(My father is building our house. Since we have to move from our rental quite quickly, we move into our new house while it is partly unfinished. It is liveable, but only has one door and one window, both on the bottom floor of the two-storey house. During our house-warming party, we have bunch of guests over, many of whom smoke.)
Mom: “Dear! You need to do something about this smoke! It’s like Chicago in here!”
Dad: “Later.”
Mom: Dear! Now! It’s so stuffy in here! Can’t you pry that window downstairs open or something?!”
Dad: “Later!”
Mom: “NOW!”
(With a sigh, he sets down his drink, and goes downstairs. Moments later, we hear the loud roar of a chainsaw. Dad walks upstairs, goes to a wall, and proceeds to carve a square hole in the wall, then boots it out with his foot, letting the pieces fall to the ground below. He then turns the saw off, sets it down, and turns to my mom.)
Dad: “THERE! You have your f****** window! Now let me have my drink!”
(The next day, as a gag, my Mom’s boss gave her a housewarming present: Windex and paper towels for her ‘new window’! Dad did eventually put a real window there!)
(I have recently received an internship. It runs during school days, so I’ve had to take off days from school. The last day of the internship starts at 3:30 pm, and school ends at 2 pm. Technically, I can still go to school that day.)
Me: “Hey, do I have to go to school on Wednesday?”
Mom: “Why?”
Me: “The internship isn’t until 3:30 pm, and school ends before that. Do I still have to go, though?”
Mom: “Do you want to?”
Me: “Well, no, I don’t want to, but I’ll go if I have to.”
Mom: “Well then, you can stay home if you want. Relax for a bit, and then go in for your internship.”
(I stare at my mom for a couple of seconds, and then hug tackle her.)
Mom: “OH GOD, WHEN DID YOU GET SO HEAVY?!”
Me: “YOU ARE THE COOLEST MOM EVER!”
Mom: “YOU’RE ABOUT TO KILL THE COOLEST MOM EVER; YOU’RE CRUSHING ME!”
(My family has always loved old Looney Tunes cartoons. We’re watching the TV as a family, and they mention seasons.)
Dad: “So, which season is it?”
Mum: “Duck season!”
Dad: “Rabbit season!”
Me: “FIRE!”
(My uncle makes a gun with his fingers, and points it at dad.)
Uncle: “BANG!”
Me: “I love that this family is coming to resemble the Looney Tunes…”
(My mother-in-law phones up my husband.)
Mother-In-Law: “Do you have my recipe file?”
Son: “I don’t think we do; I haven’t seen it.”
Mother-In-Law: “Shoot! Well, if you can’t find it, you’d better give it to me for safe-keeping.”
