(I’m a lesbian, but only my mum knows it. I am waiting for the appropriate time to tell the rest of my family. I am coming out of my walk in closet when my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello.”

Mum: “Hi [name], it’s the entire family. We’re on speaker. What’s up?”

Me: “Not much, just coming out of my closet.”

*pause*

Mum: “Oh, my gosh! You finally just told everyone!”

Other Family Members: “Tell us what?”

Me: “Huh, what? What am I supposed to tell you?”

Mum: “You just told us you are gay! You finally told everyone!”

Me: “Ah! I… well yes. I guess you all know now. But I meant it literally. I was in my closet putting stuff away, and you called as I was walking out.”

Sister: “That was pretty weird.”

(I live at home while in college. The deal is that when I graduate, I either have to move out, or pay rent. I am trying on my cap and gown for the graduation ceremony.)

Me: “My last class is Thursday! I’m so ready for graduation!”

(My parents say nothing, but pull out their phones.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Dad: “Calculating when your first rent payment will be due!”

Me: “Thanks, guys. Way to prioritize.”

Me: “Hey, what if the dinosaurs never died out?”

Mom: “Well then, I guess they’d be commonplace.”

Me: “Or what if they evolved into a new species? Like humans except reptilian, and we lived together in harmony?”

Mom: “That would be interesting.”

Me: “Ooh! What if there were mammal/reptile hybrids?”

Mom: “You mean like Arnold Schwarzenegger?”

(My family owns a tour company. We’re working on developing a tour to Bhutan. I’m filling out a form to get the trip approved by the Bhutan government, and need my dad—the boss—to sign it.)

Me: “I need you to sign this Dad.”

Dad: “What is this? Did you sell me off?”

Me: “Yeah, I sold you to Bhutan for 40 yaks.”

Dad: “What?!”

Me: “Oh, sorry; I meant 150 yaks.”

Dad: “That’s better.” *signs the form with flourish*

(My mom and I are driving home. We pass the lottery.)

Me: “Did you know that lotteries and giveaways are illegal in Canada?”

Mom: “Makes sense; they attract all the wrong kinds of people.”

Me: “Yeah, they’re required to include a skill test of sorts. Almost like a simple math problem.”

Mom: “Canada is a special little country…”