(My parents have recently shut off their satellite service, and have switched to regular TV. My mom is worried about the kids not having their favorite programs to watch anymore.)

Me: “Well, you know you can always buy a DVD with some of the episodes on it.”

Mom: “But, that’s just a few. They need more!”

Me: “Didn’t you get [streaming service]?”

Mom: “Yes! Do they have it on there?”

Me: “No, but you should be able to purchase an episode for $2.”

Mom: “$2 for 30 minutes of TV? That’s a little pricey.”

Me: “…you get to keep it.”

Mom: “Really?! For how long?”

Me: “Forever?”

(My mother has just received a call for me from the department of education. They are seeking to do an interview on what I’ve done after finishing school. Instead of coming over to me and handing me the phone, she yells across the house.)

Mother: “[Name], it’s the FBI! They want to arrest you!”

Me: “Why? What’d I do this time?”

(My five-year-old sister is talking to our mother.)

Sister: “I like it when my sister calls me ‘C-Bear’.”

Mother: “I’m glad.”

Sister: “It’s funny. I call her ‘Kristie-Bear’. I’ll call you ‘Mommy-Bear’, because you’re my Mommy.”

Mother: “Okay.”

Sister: “And I’ll call Daddy ‘Farty-Bear’, because he farts a lot.”

(I’m calling my mom to thank her for the food bag she left us the other night.)

Me: “Thanks Mom! [Brother] had to make space in the freezer and take out the raw fish you gave us last week. Our kitten loved it!”

Mom: “No problem. Good thing you—wait, you FED IT TO THE CAT?”

Me: “Yeah, wasn’t that what it was for?”

Mom: “No, that was Vendance! I bought it for you to cook and eat on Sunday!”

Me: “Oops?”

(Vendance is a small white fish, that is a huge delicacy in Finland, and very expensive, too!)

(The right side of my sister’s nose is a little irritated from dry skin, and she’s worried that it looks bad.)

Sister: “Dad, how does my nose look?”

Me: “It looks fiiiiiiiine!”

Sister: “Dad, can you just look?”

(My dad very seriously looks at my sister’s nose.)

Dad: “Well, the good news is that doctors know how to amputate only one half of the nose…”