(I ask my boyfriend the question of what he would do if I was bitten by a zombie.)

Boyfriend: “Smack the zombie. And then be very cross with you.”

Me: “Why would you be cross with ME?”

Boyfriend: “Well, it’s just so inconsiderate of you!”

Me: “To get bitten by a zombie?”

Boyfriend: “Yes! You see? You don’t think about me at all!”

Me: “Because you’d have to make a tough decision about whether to kill me?”

Boyfriend: “No. If you turn into a zombie, who’d make me tea?”

Me: “….”

(My boyfriend of six years has spontaneously taken me out for a midweek romantic meal to our favourite restaurant. I decide to ask him the zombie question.)

Me: “So, listen. If there was a zombie apocalypse and I got bitten, what would you do?”

Boyfriend: *without even pausing for thought* “Honey, I would shoot the s*** out of you.”

(I decide to ask the boyfriend the ‘kill or be killed’ question.)

Me: “If there were a zombie apocalypse, and I got bitten, would you—”

Boyfriend: *zero hesitation* “I would kill you. I would kill you good.”

Me: *hurt at his enthusiasm* “Oh.”

Boyfriend: “Just to stop you moaning and shuffling around the house. You do that too much anyway…”

(Lying in bed after watching a zombie movie with my boyfriend I decide to ask him the question.)

Me: “What would you do if I were bitten by a zombie?”

Boyfriend: *without missing a beat* “Become a necrophiliac.”

Me: “Darling, would you shoot me if the zombies came and I was bitten?”

He: “See? This is why I always wanted this BDSM cage…”