(My fiancée, her roommate, and I have been discussing our plan for the zombie apocalypse in great detail. It’s gotten to the point where we have a Word document open and are listing the people we’d take and the skills they’d provide.)

Me: *to fiancée’s roommate* “Okay, so you’re going to be the leader and medic. I’ll be in charge of food distribution and negotiations.”

Fiancée: “Don’t you think I should be in charge of negotiations? I’m really good at dealing with people.”

Me: *stares at her blankly* “Didn’t you just get into a fight with a stranger yesterday over a parking space?”

Fiancée: *laughs* “Yeah, you’re right. Just put me down as ‘breeder’, then.”

(I decide that my boyfriend and I were serious enough to have the ‘Zombie Apocalypse Talk’.)

Me: “I’d feel safe with you in a zombie apocalypse. You’d keep me alive far longer than I would be able to on my own.”

Boyfriend: “You’d have your uses.”

Me: “I would? Cool! How would I help?”

Boyfriend: “If I was able to keep you alive long enough, and food was scarce, then I could eat you to keep myself going.”

Me: “Whoa! You’d turn to cannibalism? That’s so mean! You should want to protect me above anything else!”

Boyfriend: “You should want to keep me alive. It’s what a good girlfriend would want. You’d be nurturing a champion! I could survive this thing!”

Me: “You’re an a**. I kind of hate you right now.”

Boyfriend: “You don’t have to like me. You just have to be delicious.”

(My girlfriend and I are walking home from the movies. We’re discussing zombies.)

Me: “I freaking hate zombies!”

Girlfriend: “Me too!”

Me: “If I saw someone chewing on another person, I’d run like crazy!”

Girlfriend: “Imagine if we’d got bitten.”

Me: “I’d kill you right there and then!”

Girlfriend: “Aw, thank you! I’d kill you too!”

Me: “Seriously. If you even see someone ‘om-noming’ on me, just shoot first and ask later.”

Girlfriend: “Deal! How about haunted houses?”

Me: “Oh, screw that. I’d never make it.”

Girlfriend: “Me neither. Let’s just off each other in that case too.”

Me: “Deal! No running around in panic…”

Girlfriend: “…mentally scarred for life…”

Me: “…with limbs possibly missing.”

Girlfriend: “Nope, just blissful death.”

Me: “I’m glad I can count on you.”

Girlfriend: “Is it weird that I feel safer now?”

Me: “Nope. Now I know that as long as you’re not trying to kill me, everything is alright.”

(My boyfriend and I have been watching ‘The Walking Dead’, and are discussing what we’d do in a zombie apocalypse.)

Me: *sweetly* “I’d shoot you if you got bitten. After lots of crying. Do you want me to kill you before or after you turn?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m gonna die anyway, so you should kill me before I turn. Otherwise, I’m gonna nom you.”

Me: “Hmm, I don’t even need to ask if you’d kill me.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah…you’re right, I would kill you.”

Me: “Would you at least be upset?”

Boyfriend: “Of course. Not at the time, but later, when I had time to be.”

Me: “How upset?”

Boyfriend: “Upset enough.”

(I stare, yearningly.)

Boyfriend: “I’d bury your body somewhere I’d remember?”

Me: “I love you too.”

(My boyfriend and I have an obsession with the zombie apocalypse and have a plan in the event that it does happen.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, if I got turned, would you kill me?”

Me: “Yes. Immediately. I wouldn’t wait for you to change.”

Boyfriend: “Good. I’d kill you too. I love how smart you are.”