Not Even A Lump Of Truth

(My mother straight up lies about health problems to get attention. She’s been like that my entire life, and I’m unfortunately the only one of her children who can see it. I’ve gotten some bad news and take the family out for dinner to break it to them.)

Me: “So I know this was planned last minute, but I figured we should all talk a bit.”

Youngest Sister: “Yeah, Dad went to the doctor! It’s good news!”

Stepfather: “Tumor isn’t cancerous. Simple surgery and I’m good.”

Me: “That’s awesome!”

Middle Sister: “Yeah, and Mom—”

Mother: “I have a lump. The doctors are worried. It could be life threatening. They’re already talking chemo.”

Me: *suspicious* “Where’s the lump?”

Mother: “On my neck. It’s small. You can’t see it.”

Brother: “Wait, you said it was on your chest, and that it was big.”

Mother: “No, no. It’s on my neck, near my thyroid.”

Me: *quietly* “I highly doubt that.”

Middle Sister: “What do you mean you doubt that? Mom could have cancer!”

Me: “No, she has an imaginary lump that’s already changed places. She’s upset that [Stepfather] got all that attention about his tumor, so now she’s decided she needs one, too.”

Mother: “I have a tumor! It’s on my thyroid!”

Me: “Which doctor did you go to?”

Mother: “I don’t have to prove anything to you!”

Me: “I called you and invited you all out to dinner because I found out yesterday that I have thyroid cancer. So, mother, please enlighten me about this tiny lump so small that you can’t even see it has your doctors worried and already talking chemo. How did you discover the lump? How do you know it’s a tumor? When was the biopsy? Is it malignant or benign? Why chemo and not radiation?” *uncomfortable silence* “Yeah, I thought so. When you stop lying, feel free to call me about [Stepfather]’s surgery. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

(She tried to keep up the act for a while, gaining sympathy via social media about her “mysterious lump” that disappeared after a week or so. Then she was convinced she had pneumonia after the family all caught a cold. Then she was in the hospital because she “collapsed.” I found out she went to the ER by herself for no reason. Eventually everyone caught on and stopped paying her any mind. None of us kids talk to her anymore if we can help it.)