(I’m quoting a meme from the internet to Coworker #1.)

Me: “I washed your gun for you. It’s in the dishwasher!”

(Coincidentally, the dishwasher in the back comes on with a loud gurgle. Coworker #2 comes running in.)

Coworker #2: “AUGH! NO, NO, NO, NO!”

Coworker #1: “Well… He had the right reaction!”

(I get a call one day from my cell phone service provider, trying to help me find a ‘better’ plan to upgrade to.)

Caller: “Hi, there. I’m calling today to help you find a better plan for your phone usage.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m quite happy with my current plan.”

Caller: “Well, I see here that last month you went over your included minutes by $3.60. I can help you upgrade to a better plan so that doesn’t happen again.”

Me: “I don’t normally go over. That was just one month. I’m fine with the plan I have.”

Caller: “But for just $15 more per month, I can upgrade you to a plan that gives you double your current amount of minutes so you won’t have to pay extra ever again!”

Me: “So, you want me to pay an extra $15 every month because I went over by $3 once?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “I’m happy with my plan, thank you. Goodbye!”

(The store is quiet for an afternoon. We are looking over the department lottery, where I notice something strange on the sheet.)

Me: “[Coworker], why is your name down twice?”

Coworker: “Well, my husband wants to take part as well, but I’m bringing the money in for it anyway, so it’s easier if I just put mine down.”

Me: “I guess that makes sense…”

Coworker: *a little excitedly* “Yep, so I’ve got two balls!”

(Almost immediately, she realised what she said loud enough that a few customers and coworkers turned round. She hid in the corner and refused to come out for a few minutes while I was bent over in laughter!)

(I work as a baker. Times and management have changed, and the store has lost almost all of its useful employees. My friend who is the shift leader finds himself understaffed one day and I give him permission to call me out to help on the line if they ever get swamped.)

Friend: “Yo, [My Name]. I need you for a bit. The line is to the door and [Coworker] is only getting one for every five customers I help.”

Me: “All right. Get on a register and let’s do this.”

(I move at top speed, pretty much dancing and spinning around the work area as I help three or more customers at a time. My friend gets on register to help ring them out faster and to give me more clear space to work. He is describing the events back to me later.)

Friend: “Dude! It was epic! You were freaking spinning back and forth grabbing different items. You decimated the rush single handedly! It was like one of those samurai animes: some big eight-headed dragon of a ‘customer monster’ attacks, and the hero dashes past… then a breeze wafts by and all the heads pop off. You’re like the wind!”

Me: “I did feel like I was in the zone there for a bit. It felt like I was dancing.”

Friend: “Oh, you weren’t subtle about it either. One customer was staring at you funny and asked me, ‘What exactly is he doing?’ I just stared her in the eye and told her, deadpan, ‘Exactly what I need him to!'”

(Instead of repeatedly having to tell customers prices, we have case tags with the name and price listed in front of each product. A customer walks up and I go up to the counter to greet him.)

Me: “Hello! What can I get you today?”

Customer: “Yes, hello. I would like a half pound of this bologna.”

(He walks over to the case that has several different kinds of bologna in it. The case tags are clearly labeled in front of each product. I politely ask again which product he wanted.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, which one did you want? We have [Name Brand #1], [Name Brand #2], and [Name Brand #3].”

Customer: “This one.”

Me: “Sir, I can not see which one you’re pointing to.”

(The man starts to glare at me. He points once again.)

Customer: “THIS… ONE…”

(Finally giving up on the hope he’ll actually say brand of bologna he wants, I walk around the counter to the front.)

Me: “I apologize. Which one did you want?”

(Without speaking, he points to the bologna he wanted.)

Me: “Oh, the [Brand Name] beef bologna.”

Customer: “YES! I’ve been pointing to THAT one.”

(I slice the desired amount of meat for the gentleman and thank him for shopping with us. My coworker then walks up to me.)

Coworker: “That’s okay… I had someone completely ignore the label and ask for the white circle cheese.”