(My history teacher is explaining how Stalin used fear to rule Russia. ‘Sherlock’ series three has just come out.)

Teacher: “So, he basically discredited his enemies.”

Student #1: “What does ‘discredited’ mean?”

Student #2: “Oh, it means, like, umm… When you… shame someone?”

(Student #2 looks around the class and sees that no one has quite understood.)

Student #2: “Umm… it’s what Moriarty did to Sherlock!”

Class: “Oh!”

(I am doing an introductory soil practical in a group with Classmate #1 and Classmate #2, both of whom are women like me. We have to wet the soil and make ‘snakes’ with it to test its strength by measuring its length. The lecturer is demonstrating to us.)

Lecturer: “There, that’s it! Now how long do you think that is?”

Me: “About 6 cm?”

Lecturer: *smirking at me* “You know what they say: don’t ever ask a woman to measure anything, because she’s been lied to her whole life!”

(The three of us look at him in shock at his sexist joke.)

Classmate #1: *not confidently* “Maybe it’s more like 4 cm?”

Classmate #2: “…or less?”

Me: “Where’s the tape measure?”

(Classmate #2 measures the mud ‘snake’ and it is almost exactly 6 cm long. The lecturer loses his smug expression.)

Lecturer: “Hmph. Well, anyway, that’s how you do it.”

(He then walks away without an apology or even an acknowledgement that I was correct!)

(I am at home with my boyfriend watching the movie ‘Gravity’ for the first time. I’m crying with my head on his lap as it is an emotional scene with a heavy monologue by the main character.)

Movie: “Will you tell her that I’m not quitting. You tell her that I love her, Matt. You tell her that I love her, so much! Can you do that for me?”

Boyfriend: *yelling at our dog* “NO!”

Movie: “Roger that!”

Me: *uncontrollable fits of laughter*

(I’m texting my ex while playing a game. I slip my finger on my phone so I accidentally call her. I quickly hang up and she starts calling me back. I keep hanging up and after four calls, I get a text.)

Ex: “I saw that you had called. Answer!”

Me: *ignores it*

Ex: “I wanna hear your voice! Just 10 seconds! You can whisper!”

(She then calls me again. I hang up at once and send her a new text just saying ‘WAIT’. A few moments later, she calls yet again. I answer.)

Me: “Read. My. Text.”

(I hang up. She calls again and I keep hanging up. Once I’m done playing, I can FINALLY answer the phone. It’s very obvious from the get-go that she’s drunk and makes no sense half the time. As I’m tired, I barely listen to what she’s saying. After a while, she says this.)

Ex: “I wish you were here! If you were, I would let you use my breasts as a pillow any time you wanted!”

Me: *complete and utter silence*

Ex: “Are you there?”

Me: “You won’t recall ANYTHING tomorrow, will you?!”

Ex: “Sure I will!”

Me: “No, you REALLY won’t!”

(The next day, I text her and asks if she recalls anything. She doesn’t and asks what we talked about. I tell her to get on Skype and read what we said. She gets to the part where she says she wants to let me use her breasts as pillows.)

Ex: “I said that?!”

Me: “Yes. After saying you wanted to kiss me and take like a thousand f***ing photos of me!”

Ex: “How the h*** did you manage to deal with me?!”

Me: “Well, I say like my mom: it’s more fun being sober. That way, I get to see how stupid everyone else is.”

(She bursts into laughter, and is STILL hell-bent on wanting me to use her breasts as pillows.)

(My boyfriend goes to bed quite early, while I tend to be more of a night person. I’m frequently in bed reading or on my computer for several hours after he’s already gone to sleep.)

Boyfriend: *groggily* “Was I asleep?”

Me: “Yep.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Well, you’re pretty. All of you. Even your feeties.”

Me: “My what?”

Boyfriend: “Sexual feeties!” *with that, he rolls over and goes back to sleep*

(The next morning he asked me if he had really said ‘sexual feeties.’ For what it’s worth, he definitely does not have a foot fetish!)