Student: “Hey, are you any good with computers?”

Me: “Um, sometimes? What’s wrong?”

Student: “Can you come and look at this?”

Me: “Sure.”

(We walk over to her computer where there is a typing test pulled up as part of a job application. The student doesn’t sit down. After a moment of silence…)

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Student: “I have to take this typing test… for a job…”

(We stare at each other for about thirty seconds.)

Me: “I can’t take your typing test for you.”

Student: “Oh… Why?”

(We are in an honors English class. One of my friends, and the class clown, has annoyed our teacher by interrupting her every time she starts to speak with some mundane fact. Eventually she gets annoyed and yells at him.)

Teacher: “You’re such a… such a…”

Class Clown: “Handsome devil?”

Teacher: “No! I meant… You’re a… What starts with a ‘D’ and ends with a ‘K’?”

Class: *starts laughing*

Teacher: *goes red* “That’s not what I meant! I meant he’s a dork! Oh, my god!” *buries her face in her arms*

(I am in third grade. My class is reading aloud from a book about Native Americans, a topic in which I am very interested.)

Teacher: “The eye-RO-kwis, also known as the Six Nations…”

Me: “[Teacher]?”

Teacher: “Yes?”

Me: “It’s pronounced Iroquois.”

Teacher: “No, that’s not how it’s said.”

Me: “Yes, [Teacher], it is.”

Teacher: “No, I’m an adult and your teacher, which means you need to listen and learn what I’m saying. Now don’t interrupt.” *continues reading* “The name is French, and pronounced… oh.” *grudgingly* “Ir-oh-koi… Their name for themselves is… … [My Name],, how do you say this one?”

Me: “Haudenosaunee.”

(The teacher sent a note home about my ‘impertinence’. Fortunately, my parents knew better and I didn’t get in trouble.)

(I have just finished work and am walking home. There are a few charity workers on the street leafleting and trying to get donations.)

Charity Guy: *in his early thirties* “Excuse me, miss, do you mind if I ask how old you are?”

Me: “17.”

(I’m actually 19 but they aren’t legally allowed to continue the conversation if I’m under 18.)

Charity Guy: “Awh, hun, that means you’re too young for me. Well…” *looks me up and down* “You’re too young for the charity. I’d be fine with it.”

Me: *walks away as quickly as possible*

(My wife has cut herself while shaving her intimate region. She has used one of my aftershave ointments to help relieve the bleeding and stinging.)

Wife: “Oh, hey, my vagina is minty fresh!”