Making A Boob Of Yourself

| NY, USA | Learning | May 2, 2017

(We are sitting in Sex Ed class. The teacher is known for being pretty easygoing and humorous. Today, she asks the students if they have any important questions they want to know about sex. My cousin is in the class and he is known for being lewd and strange.)

Teacher: “Any questions?”

Cousin: “Yeah, so, we’re learning about Ancient Byzantine in History, and there was this empress named Theodora.”

Teacher: “What does this have to do with sex?”

Cousin: “No, listen. Theodora was a prostitute who married Justinian and became empress and built stuff like the Haiga Sophia and that s***. And then, the Black Plague happened and everyone died, and Justinian got it but he didn’t die. Theodora never got it.”

Teacher: “Will you just get to the point?”

Student: “Okay. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, would Theodora have gotten sick if she had sex with Justinian? What if it wasn’t full on sex, but like, touchy-feely sex? Is sex what gave Theodora boob cancer? Did Catherine the Great really have sex with a—”

Teacher: “Okay, let’s just get one thing straight: do not touch ANYONE dying of plague. I don’t know if it’s sexually transmitted. Once I die, I’ll meet them in the afterlife and ask about their sex life and come back as a ghost to tell you. No, sex won’t give you breast cancer. Catherine the Great — I have no idea why she’s even involved here, because she was from Russia centuries after Byzantine fell, but anyway — dear old Cate the Great didn’t die having sex with animals. And now, I have one final question for you.”

Cousin: Yeah, sure, what?

Teacher: “What the ever-loving f***, [Cousin]?!”

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