Make Yourself At Home… A Little Less

I am the host of a vacation rental. At my home, I have a guest suite of two bedrooms and a bathroom, with access to my shared kitchen. The rules clearly state that guests must ask my permission before bringing any third parties into the property. This is really important to me, both because insurance only covers the parties listed on the booking and because I find it disrespectful to me in my own home. I am sensitive to this.

The description also states that I have Asperger Syndrome and I am direct at all times. My description asks people to consider whether they are comfortable with both of these. Many people have come to stay and I have enjoyed their company.

I receive a booking from a Danish couple in their fifties. It seems low-risk, and I accept the booking. Early the morning after check-in, I get a message.

Guest: “Our son is coming tomorrow for a few nights.”

Later, we’re chatting.

Guest: “Could you turn off your Wi-Fi, please? Our son is allergic to Wi-Fi.”

Me: “Huh?”

Guest: “He feels ill if Wi-Fi is on.”

Me: “No, he isn’t allergic. I challenge you to find one scientific paper that has ever upheld that sort of nonsense.”

Guest: “Really.”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do.”

It seems unreasonable, not least because I use my own Wi-Fi regularly. I look at my Wi-Fi setup, and I find an elaborate compromise to ensure the son thinks the Wi-Fi is off.

Me: “Hey, [Guest]? Here’s the plan. I won’t be switching off the Wi-Fi or moving the router. I use it all the time, and where it is is the only place for a good signal. Instead, I’ll hide it. I’ve put the router into a cardboard box and hidden the cable.”

Guest: “Okay? What if my son looks for a router which is turned off?”

Me: “Then there will be another router you can pretend to turn off. Here it is, under the stairs. It’s even connected to a dead telephone socket.”

Guest: “But isn’t your Wi-Fi network name the same as your address? What if he just searches for Wi-Fi networks?”

Me: “He’ll not find it, because I’ve changed the Wi-Fi network name. Look, you know as well as I do that this Wi-Fi-allergy nonsense is bulls***. It just doesn’t exist. And anyway, you can detect about ten Wi-Fi networks from here. What I will do is give you this placebo. When your son comes, you can pretend to turn off the Wi-Fi.”

Guest: “Smart, thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome. However, you need to ask my permission before bringing a third party into my home. I found it disrespectful when you told me what was happening instead of asking.”

Guest: “But he’s our son.”

Me: “Son or not, he is a third party which requires my permission. You agreed to those rules when you booked my home. I am now granting you that permission.”

I go into town to take care of some business and return later.

Guest: “Our son is here!”

I look at the fake Wi-Fi, which is still switched on. So much for a Wi-Fi allergy. Later still, the doorbell rings, and my guest answers. It is the son’s girlfriend.

Guest: “Oh, hi, come on in!” *Looking at me* “Is it okay if she comes in?”

I’m out of sight of the girlfriend. I shrug my shoulders as if to say, “Whatever.”

The girlfriend leaves a few hours later. I decide to speak to the guest, again.

Me: “Hey, [Guest]? How do you expect me to assess whether or not to allow someone in after you have already told them to come in?”

Guest: “But I did ask you! My son’s girlfriend should be low-risk.”

Me: “By asking me after you have told them to come in totally defeats the point of asking me. You have some life experience; you know how it works. And by the way, I will decide who is low-risk.”

They avoided me for the rest of the stay. They didn’t leave a review, like most awkward bookings. The next (and current) guests asked me nicely if they could have a third party stay and explained why. I allowed it without issue.