Legally, I Have To Swipe Left

(I’ve recently changed jobs; I was a retail worker and am now a receptionist at a law firm, where my job mostly entails answering the phone and taking messages. After a month, I’m starting to feel good about my decision to change jobs, reflecting on how lucky I am that I no longer have to deal with crazy people. Then this phone call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Firm]. How may I help you?

Caller: *an older female voice with the most nasal, New-York accent I’ve ever heard* “Yeah, I need an attorney. A woman attorney, to be specific; not one of those guys who think they know it all and will charge you an arm and a leg to have you listen to them talk on and on.” *almost shouting* “Only a woman could possibly understand my pain! Do you even have female attorneys there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do have female attorneys here at [Law Firm]; currently half of the attorneys we have on staff are females. However, depending on what is it you are seeking assistance with, we may have to refer you to one of our male attorneys, instead, as they would be best able to assist you in your particular situation.”

Caller: *ignoring that last sentence* “Any of them Jewish?”

Me: *hoping I heard her wrong* “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Are any of your female attorneys Jewish?”

Me: *in my best retail voice* “With all due respect, the religious preferences of our attorneys isn’t a factor in their employment here at [Law Firm], and it certainly isn’t something I’m able to comment on.”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, Ms. Politically Correct. Now just answer my question: are any of your female attorneys single, Jewish women?”

Me: *cue internal sighing* “The marital status or the religious preferences of our attorneys are not things I am able to discuss since those factors do not have a bearing on their experience, education, or ability to do their job. Now, if you aren’t actually seeking legal assistance, I’m afraid there isn’t anything else I can do to assist you with today, and I will be ending this call.”

Caller: *now shouting* “Well, how else am I supposed to find an attractive, educated, and intelligent Jewish attorney for my son to marry?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you do understand you’ve called a law firm, correct? We’re not a dating service and do not advertise as such.”

Caller: “Well, where else am I supposed to find an attorney?”

(I decided to keep my mouth shut and not advise her of online dating. I ended the call and let out a good laugh. I felt bad for the caller’s son, assuming he wasn’t aware of his mother’s antics, as well as any other law firms she had called or was going to call. So much for getting away from crazy customers.)