(I am overweight, but have been losing weight through the Zumba dance program. I have been doing half-hour classes and feel ready to start on the hour-long classes on top of those. My Zumba teacher is delighted, but this one particular newcomer… not so much.)

Newcomer: *to me* “Oh my GOD! You should not be here! The class hasn’t even started and you’re sweating like a pig! Do us all a favor and get out of here before you kill us with your stink!”

Me: “Excuse me, but I just finished the half-hour class that just ended. If I weren’t sweating, I would be worried.”

Newcomer: “Liar! You probably can’t even dance! You’ll just drag everyone down, so get out of here!”

(The instructor hears this and comes over.)

Instructor: “In this gym, we accept any and all who want to live a more fit life. Whether you think she can dance or keep up is a moot point. She is just as welcome as you are. Now get in line. Class is about to begin.”

(Since I have been doing this program for months, I dance like a madwoman and push to the very end. The newcomer struggles with one of the faster routines and sits out after only fifteen minutes of working out. After everyone else finishes…)

Instructor: “Very good, everyone. You all did a great job, whether you lasted for fifteen minutes, half the class, or the full hour… or if you were a bada** like [my name] and did both the half-hour and the hour-long classes! She kicked some major butt today, even though some people thought she was going to waste our time! Would you like to say anything to the class, [my name]?”

Me: “Yes. I am a fata**, but I can honestly say that I am bettering myself and I WORK for my sweat. I may go home looking disgusting, but I can at least say that today I worked out six times longer than a person half my weight who decided at the beginning of class that I couldn’t dance!”

(Everyone applauded and the newcomer grabbed her gear and slinked out. She never came back.)

(We are reading Romeo and Juliet in my freshman English class. We have just started the balcony scene.)

Teacher: “So what Romeo is saying, is that it was the force of love that helped him climb the wall to see her.”

Student: “I thought he got over the wall by climbing her hair.”

Me: “[Student], that was Rapunzel.”

Student: “…I just made myself look really stupid didn’t I?”

(I am taking a course in basic computer programming. One of our projects is to create a unique application for Facebook. Everyone is presenting their project to the class using the overhead projector.)

Classmate: “I created an app that shares a random YouTube video. What it does is it generates a random sequence of letters and numbers…”

(He brings up a window showing his code and highlights the random number generation section.)

Classmate: “…and then links to the YouTube video whose URL is identical to the random sequence. Here you can see that it checks to make sure the sequence is valid, and if it isn’t, it generates a new sequence until it finds one that matches up to a real URL.”

(He brings up the Facebook page where the app is located.)

Classmate: “Let’s just try a random search right now so you can see that it really works.”

(He clicks the button to generate a random video. One pops up and begins playing. To everyone’s horror, the video shows naked male genitals being operated on by surgeons.)

Woman’s Voice in Video: “As you can see here, this patient was suffering from an advanced stage of testicular cancer. Surgeons removed a seven-pound tumor from the man’s testicle.”

Classmate: “S***!”

(Rather than closing the window, he panics and jumps in front of the wall and tries to block the projection with his body, but it just ends up being projected onto his chest instead.)

Classmate: “So, uh, that’s what I did for my project! And as you can see, it works perfectly!”

(The professor calmly crosses the room to the PC hooked up to the projector and closes the Facebook window.)

Professor: “Thank you, [Classmate]. That was a very balls-to-the-wall demonstration.”

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(I am taking a 7:30 AM advanced math course. Prior to this year, my classes started at 8:30 AM, so I am not used to this schedule. I wander into class around 7:35 AM.)

Teacher: “Nice of you to join us.”

(I find my seat, open my book, and lay my head down to take a nap. 15 minutes later…)

Teacher: “[My name], what is the answer to problem number six?”

Me: “Uhhh… [right answer].”

Teacher: “…”

(I go back to sleep. About 15 more minutes pass and I lift my head up and stare at the chalkboard for a minute.)

Me: “[Teacher], shouldn’t that be a negative two instead of a positive two?”

(The teacher looks at the board.)

Teacher: “Uhhh… yeah. That’s right.”

(The entire class stares at me in disbelief as I lay down for the remaining 15 minutes of class.)

Teacher: *shaking his head* “I don’t know either.”

Me: “Hi. Were you the one who needed help with the copier?”

Student: “Yes! I don’t understand what’s wrong, but it just won’t copy! None of them will!”

Me: “Okay, let’s see; did you swipe your ID to enable printing?”

Student: “Yes! Here, I’ll do it again.”

(She swipes her card and I immediately see the problem.)

Me: “Oh, you have insufficient funds.”

Student: “But what does that mean?”

Me: “Well, it means you don’t have enough money on the card to print anything. You can add money at that kiosk over there.”

Student: “But I have dining dollars!”

Me: “Were you planning to eat the copies?”

Student: “What? No! That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “Then why would you think you can use your dining dollars to print them?”