How To Make The Hottest Of Hot Messes

I am fifteen, working in a fast food place. Every Sunday after church, a customer calls up and orders something like $40 worth of tacos, sanchos, burritos, taco burgers, chili dogs, taco pizzas, enchiladas, taco salads, and tostadas. Considering tacos and burritos were super cheap back then, this is a lot of food, enough to feed an entire congregation.

It’s so much food that we have to empty one heated bin of taco shells just to fit it all in as we make it and wait for his miserable a** to arrive. We only ever have forty minutes to do it, and he viciously chews us out every time he arrives.

Add to this that every Sunday after he comes by, he calls the owner and moans that the food is cold when he gets home. This results in us being berated every Monday and being forced to listen to the complaint once again.

We try to explain that this guy never wants to wait — like not even a second — during a time of the week when we’re flooded with the after-church crowd. Therefore, we have to have his order ready the minute he walks in; it’s really a challenge to do this and keep it hot, considering there are only two on staff on Sundays.

However, if he has to wait one minute, we hear about it from not only him right then, but from the owner, as well, because this good Christian is church friends with the owner.

One Christmas season, he calls and places his order as usual.

Customer: “I’ll be there in forty! I’m getting really tired of my food being cold when I get back home!”

Me: “Well, sir, if you’d be willing to wait a little bit when you come in—”

Customer: “I’m calling now so that I don’t have to wait. Are you stupid? I don’t care what it takes! I want that food still hot by the time I get home! I’m going to have your stupid a** fired if it’s cold one more time! You had better keep it hot enough to burn my tongue, whatever it takes!”

Me: “Sir, the only kind of hot we can guarantee surviving your journey home is spicy—”

Customer: “Whatever it takes!” *Slams down the phone*

I know he will do everything in his power to ensure that his good Christian promise is fulfilled, so I really have nothing to lose by making sure his food is hotter than Hell when he gets home.

Thus, we set to work in the kitchen dicing up more than the usual number of jalapeño peppers for his food. They’re ground into such a fine grain that we can barely see them, and we mix them into the meat and beans to make his food.

When he comes in, he is still yelling at me about how he expects his food to be hot when he gets home.

Me: *Smiling* “Sir, let me assure you that we have taken every possible measure to ensure that your order is ‘extra hot’, so you should be very pleased when you get home.”

He seems happy with this and promptly leaves.

About an hour later he calls up, SCREAMING over the phone.

Customer: “YOU STUPID F***S! I WANTED MY FOOD HOT, NOT SO HOT I CAN’T F****** EAT IT!”

Me: “Sir, you expressed that you had said a multitude of times that you wanted it extra hot. I believe you said to keep it hot enough to burn your tongue, whatever it takes! I am glad we’ve been able to exceed your expectations in this regard!”

Customer: “I’ll get your f****** a** fired, you f***—”

Me: “Have a nice day!” *Click.*

That Monday, the owner came in and said he had to listen to his friend moan for more than three hours about how his food was hot instead of the normal one hour.

Thankfully, the owner finally suggested that he not come in again, and although he didn’t like losing his business, it was better than him ruining his Sunday every week. Win for everyone!