How Many Agents Does It Take To Stop Taking My Money?

This saga starts when I switch from a cell phone provider I pay to one the government pays for. I’m disabled, so anything that saves money helps. The representative for the government provider tells me:

Representative: “Oh, it’s okay. We told the other guys to cancel.”

Clearly, believing this is my first mistake.

My bills were on autopay, so the next month, I get an odd email from the previous provider saying I paid for a service I never used.

I ring them up.

Me: “Hello. I switched SIM cards and haven’t actually used this service in a month. Would you mind getting rid of this charge?”

Agent #1: “I can’t do that, but I can cancel your service going forward.”

This is probably illegal, but I have no money for a lawyer, so I sigh and agree.

The next month, another email tells me my account is being canceled because I owe them $62.

I go to their chat line and hit up an agent, explaining.

Agent #2: “Can I have your PIN?”

Me: “…It’s been two months. How long do you expect me to have a PIN memorized?”

Agent #2: “I’ll have to transfer you.”

Sigh. I sit around and twiddle my thumbs. (I knit a lot, so I spend some time test-knitting my pattern and discover that I have an extra stitch.) As annoying as this is, these are minimum-wage nobodies with no power and no training beyond a script, if that. Patience is a virtue. I really need to figure out how to fix that one dang stitch.

Agent #3: “What’s your PIN?”

Me: “I just explained… Oh, never mind. Try [PIN I use for non-secure passcodes] or [second PIN I keep in reserve].”

Agent #3: “That worked! What’s your issue?”

Did you even read the prior chat?

Me: “As I already explained, I was charged for a month of service I never used after I canceled.”

Agent #3: “That’s a billing concern, and I’m a tech support agent. Let me transfer you.”

Insert “How many agents does it take to change a lightbulb?” joke here.

So, I wait. More twiddling my thumbs. For some reason, it takes over twenty minutes to get billing online. This is possibly a strategy to make people give up when falsely charged. I frog and re-knit the pattern with a better stitch count.

Billing Agent #1: “Hi. How can I help you?”

Me: “…you didn’t read the chat.”

Billing Agent #1: “I understand your concern. How can I help you?”

Me: “When you’re done dealing with the Decepticon threat, Autobot, I was charged a month’s bill after I canceled.”

Billing Agent #1: “I understand your concern. I can credit you 20% of the bill. How would you like to pay?”

Me: “…I have not received the services you are charging me for because I am not using your SIM card. It is an ex-SIM card. It has gone to the Great Beyond. It is no longer with us. It has met its maker.”

Billing Agent #1: “I understand your concern.”

Me: “I’m going to come back in a bit.”

I log off, consider my options regarding a lawyer, and then decide to give them one more good-faith attempt to read the words I am typing since that’ll probably go over better in small claims court.

I log in again. I do the song and dance with a tech agent of PINs and passcodes. I get to a billing agent.

Me: “I have not used your SIM card in two months. I called and canceled last month. Please do not make me do the Monty Python parrot sketch again so you understand that I am not paying for a service I never received.”

Billing Agent #2: “…They charged you when you canceled? Yeah, I can get rid of that charge and cancel your account for real. I’m sorry about that.”

Me: “Thank God.”

Billing Agent #2: “Can’t do anything about older charges because of policy, sorry.”

Me: “Yeah, I can’t afford a lawyer, so I’m just giving up on that money. It’s not coming from groceries, so I’ll live. Thank you for reading what I typed.”

Five minutes later, I was free and the bill was dropped.