(Friend #1 is gay and is telling Friend #2 that he isn’t sure how Friend #3 will take it. Friend #2 comes up with this.)

Friend #2: “How would you feel if I was gay?”

Friend #3: “I don’t care. You’re still my friend!”

Friend #2: “Oh, good, because [Friend #1] is gay.”

(My university has several ping pong tables set up in the outdoor courtyard that you have to pass by in order to get to the main cafe/food area. I seem to be a magnet for attracting stray ping pong balls whenever I walk through it, though I’m usually fast enough to dodge or catch them. On this particular day, it’s cold and raining and I’m in a very bad mood. As I’m passing through, one of the ping pong balls goes astray and heads straight for me. I’m not fast enough, and it hits me on the forehead.)

Me: *growls, spinning to face the two guys at the table* “SERIOUSLY!? Is my face just a f****** balls magnet!?”

Guy #1: *collapses in a fit of laughter*

Guy #2: *smirking but says nothing*

Me: “…”

(I realise instantly what I’ve said, and try my best to keep my mean face on, but I can’t — I go absolutely bright red and start giggling as well.)

Me: “Well, that’s something I normally only say on weekends!”

(I’m in college and during my free period a friend and I play Magic: The Gathering. I’m new to the game and he has been giving me advice during our first few games. I’m getting the hang of it and he decides that it’s time to play for real but I don’t feel ready.)

Me: “What should I use?”

Friend: “It’s up to you.”

Me: “What cards do you have?”

Friend: “I can’t tell you.”

Me: “Can you help me build a deck?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Just tell me one card you’re using.”

Friend: “No, sorry.”

Me: “Give me a hint.”

Friend: “Fine. This red-headed white guy will beat you black and blue until you’re green with envy.”

(Turns out THAT was a clue: he used some of everything.)

(My friends and I are hanging out for one of my friends’ 21st birthday. Since we are on a bus, we’re trying to be respectful of those around us.)

Friend: “Happy birthday! I got you some adult literature since you are turning 21.”

(She hands him a paper bag that looks like it is holding a book. Since my friends are as likely to do a dramatic reading of a poem by Sappho as watch Spongebob, I wasn’t sure if she was being funny or serious.)

Me: “Oh, no, I didn’t think we were buying you presents.”

Birthday Boy: “You aren’t. [Friend] is just being insistent. I told [Friend] not to buy me anything!”

Me: “So, what is it? Or should you unwrap it later?”

Birthday Boy: “Let’s see.”

(He unwrapped it. It was a comic book tie-in for a popular children’s cartoon.)

(My roommate, his boyfriend, and I are playing Mario Kart. My roommate hasn’t had much experience with the game, so we’re explaining to him about the item boxes.)

Roommate’s Boyfriend: “…so then you have Koopa shells: green, red and blue. The green ones shoot forward and ricochet off walls, and the red ones track down and hit the driver in front of you.”

Roommate: “So what do the blue shells do?”

Me: “Destroy friendships.”

Roommate’s Boyfriend: “Yeah, pretty much.”