(My roommate, his boyfriend, and I are playing Mario Kart. My roommate hasn’t had much experience with the game, so we’re explaining to him about the item boxes.)

Roommate’s Boyfriend: “…so then you have Koopa shells: green, red and blue. The green ones shoot forward and ricochet off walls, and the red ones track down and hit the driver in front of you.”

Roommate: “So what do the blue shells do?”

Me: “Destroy friendships.”

Roommate’s Boyfriend: “Yeah, pretty much.”

(I’m in college and during my free period a friend and I play Magic: The Gathering. I’m new to the game and he has been giving me advice during our first few games. I’m getting the hang of it and he decides that it’s time to play for real but I don’t feel ready.)

Me: “What should I use?”

Friend: “It’s up to you.”

Me: “What cards do you have?”

Friend: “I can’t tell you.”

Me: “Can you help me build a deck?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Just tell me one card you’re using.”

Friend: “No, sorry.”

Me: “Give me a hint.”

Friend: “Fine. This red-headed white guy will beat you black and blue until you’re green with envy.”

(Turns out THAT was a clue: he used some of everything.)

(My friends and I are hanging out for one of my friends’ 21st birthday. Since we are on a bus, we’re trying to be respectful of those around us.)

Friend: “Happy birthday! I got you some adult literature since you are turning 21.”

(She hands him a paper bag that looks like it is holding a book. Since my friends are as likely to do a dramatic reading of a poem by Sappho as watch Spongebob, I wasn’t sure if she was being funny or serious.)

Me: “Oh, no, I didn’t think we were buying you presents.”

Birthday Boy: “You aren’t. [Friend] is just being insistent. I told [Friend] not to buy me anything!”

Me: “So, what is it? Or should you unwrap it later?”

Birthday Boy: “Let’s see.”

(He unwrapped it. It was a comic book tie-in for a popular children’s cartoon.)

(It’s my birthday and I’m on my honeymoon so I’ve been enjoying a cocktail poolside before heading up to my room with my husband. I’m a little tipsy but in a great mood. A couple enters the elevator and I make friendly conversation.)

Me: “Where are you visiting from?”

Woman: “Ohio.”

Me: “How awesome! We are visiting from New York City.”

Woman: “Oh, I wouldn’t have guessed you are from NYC from your attitude.”

Me: “Well, I can tell you to go f*** yourself, if you want?”

(The woman gives me a shocked blank stare and the doors open to my floor.)

Me: “Well, have a nice day!”

(My husband couldn’t stop laughing.)

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(I’m at a summer camp. My friends and I are walking back from eating lunch. Friend #1 has already crossed the street. Friend #2 and I are about to cross. Friend #3 is a couple of feet behind us. It should be noted that I am female, Friend #2 is male, and that Friend #2 has the habit of screaming really high and loud when something frightens him. As Friend #2 and I cross the street, this happens:)

Random Red Car: *zooms past literally a foot away from Friend #2 and me*

Me & Friend #2: *stops and screams in perfect octaves, me screaming the bottom and [Friend #2] screaming the top*

Friend #3: “Guys! Keep going!”

Me & Friend #2: *finish crossing the street very carefully*

Friend #3: *starts laughing*

Friend #1: “What’s so funny?”

Friend #2: “I think he’s laughing at our screaming. Not funny, [Friend #3].”

Me: “Yeah, we screamed in octaves.”

Friend #1: *thinking* “So, wait, who screamed the higher octave?”

All Of Us: *looks at [Friend #2]*

Me: *starts laughing*

Friend #1: *starts laughing*

Friend #3: *starts clapping like a seal*

Friend #2: “IT IS NOT OKAY TO LAUGH! MY VOICE JUMPS WHEN I AM SCARED!”