Federal Bureau Of Inaccuracy

(I work in the service department for a big box store. We have a customer who wants to ask questions about our services.)

Customer: “I think I have a virus and I need it off but I have very important work on my computer. I work for the government, specifically the FBI, and I want to make sure my work is safe. Can you save my data, too?”

(The man looks to be in his fifties, he’s wearing ratty clothes, and he has a decent amount of stubble on his face — not at all what you expect from an FBI agent or employee.)

Coworker: “Yes, we can back up your data and make sure it’s free of the virus.”

Customer: “It’s very important that you can’t see the files that I’m working on as it transfers.”

Me: “We can only see file names.”

Customer: “Then don’t look at those. My work is very secretive.”

Me: “Sir, if your work is that much of a secret, does the FBI not have an IT group or vetted group that can work on this for you?”

Customer: “No, nothing like that.”

Me: “Well, we will be glad to try and help you. To do this it will be [cost].”

Customer: “That seems steep.”

Coworker: “But if it’s for the good of the country, then…?”

(My coworker lays that on pretty heavily as neither one of us believes this guy’s story.)

Customer: “I’ll be back with my computer.”

(He leaves and our supervisor walks out from another area where he could see and hear the conversation we had but wasn’t easily seen.)

Supervisor: “Just an FYI, he doesn’t work for the FBI and we’ve worked on his computer before. He is embarrassed by his massive collection of gay… you know. Enjoy the viruses on that thing when it comes in.”