Don’t Cause Crocodile Tears

(I’m a professional baker. My neighbor has had some financial troubles, so as a friend I happily offer to bake a cake for his daughter’s birthday free of charge. I have to mention he and the girl’s mother are divorced. I enter through the back door, which leads to the kitchen, so the kids won’t see me. I seem to have come in at the end of an argument between my neighbor and his ex. After I uncover the cake, the mother’s face becomes even sourer.)

Mother: “What is that?” *points to the crocodile-themed cake*

Me: “Uh, the birthday girl’s cake?”

Mother: “Why would you bring this to a little girl’s party?”

Friend: “Because I asked her to.”

Mother: “It’s not fitting for a young lady’s birthday party.”

Friend: “In that room is a reptile-loving eight-year-old. You’d know that if you bothered to act like a mother.”

Mother: “How dare you? I gave birth to that girl!”

Friend: “Yes, but I’m the one who reads bedtime stories and helps her with homework while also working. You never even changed a diaper. The only reason you’re here is because [Kid] wanted both of us. She’s the only good thing that came out of our marriage and I’ll do anything to see my daughter happy, so behave like a decent person for once.”

(The seven kids present that day were screaming and laughing while us adults were tense and awkward. The ex-wife never showed up for any birthdays after that. Now the kid’s older and realized her mother isn’t worth it.)