Ah, The Old Ariana Grande Gambit

My roommate was stealing my food and not only not admitting it but apparently bragging about it to my other roommates and calling me a “pushover”. I didn’t want to participate in whatever they thought they were doing, especially since I am moving away in two months. But I do want my food.

Today, they were sitting in the kitchen chatting. I came in, took my meatballs from the fridge, and licked them one by one while maintaining eye contact with the thief. Then, I licked several other items, spit into my milk (it’s a waste of milk, but luckily, there wasn’t a lot), etc. 

[Thieving Roommate] looked utterly disgusted. Eventually, she asked:

Thieving Roommate: “Are you mental?”

Me: *Calmly* “I always do this, didn’t you know?”

And I left.

I didn’t know if she would stop, but her face of mixed disgust and horror made it worth it. My food wasn’t stolen the next day!