(I have to be out of the office for two days, for a surgery, and have permission in writing. I call to remind my boss the day before.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss], just reminding you I’ll be unreachable tomorrow because I’m having surgery.”

Boss: “Okay, I’ve scheduled an auto repo for tomorrow so just make sure the guy has your cell number in case of problems.”

Me: “No, I’ll be completely unreachable. He’ll have to call the office and talk to [Assistant].”

Boss: “Wait, how ‘unreachable’?”

Me: “In the hospital, getting my nose sliced open ‘unreachable.'”

Boss: “Well, what if your children need you?”

Me: “Okay, [Boss], you’re overthinking this.”

(There is a blanket-term for my local eateries’ signature dishes, named after the founder’s daughter. More than once, if we order exactly as it’s phrased on the menu, we’re given blank looks and told the item doesn’t exist.)

Me: “I’d like a [Signature Dessert] Shake.”

Employee: “We don’t have a [Signature Dessert] shake. We have [Signature Dessert], but no shake of it.”

(The employee was standing under the sign that said “[Signature Dessert] shake,” and if you looked over at the end of the counter, there was a five-foot-tall advertising banner that used the exact same phrasing. This sadly happened with other menu items with regularity at this location.)

(I commute to my job from my parents’ house about 45 minutes to an hour away in heavy traffic. I get there early, but stop and talk to a coworker outside for about 15 minutes to loosen up, being extremely frustrated and defeated from the traffic and rush to get there. Three of my other coworkers pass me and go inside. When I go inside, my boss tells me he ‘doesn’t need me today,’ which is not uncommon for the last person to arrive at work for an overbooked party. He assumes I drove from my own apartment 10 minutes away.)

Me: “Wh– what?”

Boss: “Yes, I don’t need you today. You can go home.”

Me: “You really can’t use me? I just drove an hour to get here from my parents’ house.”

Boss: “Too many servers. I don’t need you, sorry. You were last to get here.”

Me: *about to cry from frustration* “I clocked in at exactly at 10:30…” *plays with machine* “See?”

Boss: *pulls me behind a bar and takes $20 out of his wallet* “Here, go put some gas in your car and call back at 12 to get another shift for tonight.”

Me: “Noooo problem.”

(I am on a study abroad trip in England and am at the Tower of London on a Saturday. My friend and I are heading towards the exit since the Tower is closing.)

Guard: *sticks her head inside the bathroom* “Is anyone in here?”

(She then slams the gate in the bathroom doorway shut.)

Me: *smiling* “I hope the answer was no!”

(The guard looks at me for a moment then…)

Guard: “Tough!”

(48 hours earlier, a massive hurricane swept through our city, which is 250 miles inland. We’re all frantically working to keep assembling the city’s daily newspaper, even though we have to drive to another city and use their paper’s presses to print it. None of us have power, water, or heat. There are massive trees down, buildings leveled, power lines everywhere, and the National Guard directing traffic. We’re working away on the next day’s paper and idly griping about all of our hardships, when the new assistant managing editor, trying to play along says:)

Assistant Manager: “Oh, I know: Our cable reception is really fuzzy.”