(I am the administrative executive for my office, but, as we do not have an in-house IT person, I sometimes troubleshoot the simpler issues.)

Colleague: “[My Name], I can’t turn on my computer! I keep pressing and pressing the power button and still there’s no light! I don’t know what to do! It was fine yesterday but it’s not today!”

(At this point, my colleague is wringing her hands and getting increasingly shrill. I walk over to her desk and see the problem immediately.)

Me: “[Colleague], your main power switch is not on. That’s why your computer cannot be turned on.”

Colleague:“Oh, to save electricity I turned off the main switch yesterday before I went home. So, if I turn that on, I can turn on my computer?”

Me: “…Yes.”

(I’m back at Student Health with my second miserable sinus infection of the semester.)

Nurse: “Well, it sounds like you’ve just got something in your sinuses. I’ll go have them write a prescription and fix you right up!”

Me: “What exactly are they prescribing?”

Nurse: “Oh, just [antibiotic] and a decongestant.”

Me: “I literally finished a course of that three days ago, for the same problem. It should be in my file.”

(The nurse just stares at me like she’s waiting for me to say I’m joking, and then whips around and walks out of the room. Twenty minutes later, she comes back and presses a prescription paper into my hand and hurries me out of the building. I drive to the little pharmacy closer to campus.)

Pharmacist #1: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Me: “I need this filled.”

(We do the routine confirming my insurance, and I sit and wait for a few minutes before being called to the pick-up counter.)

Pharmacist #2: “I’m sorry, but where in the world did you get this script?”

Me: “From Student Health, less than an hour ago. Why?”

Pharmacist #2: “We’re pretty small; we don’t carry as much as [Chain Pharmacy] does. Sorry, but you need to take this to them.”

(I drive across town to the [Chain Pharmacy], explain what the first pharmacy had told me, repeat the insurance checking and settle down to wait, but I’m almost immediately called up.)

Pharmacist #3: “Okay, so I’ve never had this problem before. The medicine they prescribed could only be referring to [Well-Known Brand], which hasn’t been available for nearly a decade and there’s no way your insurance will cover it. I can try to find all the different things that are in it, but they might not be in the right proportions and could get expensive.”

Me: “Sorry, I’ve been sick for a while. Let’s see what it all adds up to, and then see what I should pay for?”

(A minute later, she returns looking triumphant, holding a bottle.)

Pharmacist #3: “We had some of the [Well-Known Brand] in the back, and it looks to have one full dose left. I’ll just charge it as [Other Well-Known Brand]. That’ll be $12.”

(After all that fuss, turned out I had mono and the prescription was useless!)

(I’m a manager at a small grocery store and we have just hired a few cashiers. I am the one who has to train them and most are getting the hang of it… except one.)

Cashier: “[My Name], call line one.”

Me: *picking up* “Yes?”

Cashier: “So, this customer has bananas. What do I do?”

Me: “Look for the PLU on the sticker. And if there aren’t any stickers, look it up in your binder.”

Cashier: “Oh, okay.” *10 seconds later* “[My Name], call line one.”

Me: “Yes?”

Cashier: “What’s the PLU for oranges?”

Me: “Like I said before, put in the PLU on the sticker or look it up in the binder.”

Cashier: “Oh, right.”

Cashier: “[My Name], call line one.”

Me: “Yes?”

Cashier: “I can’t find the number for oranges. Can’t you just tell me?”

(Since I’ve worked there so long, I know most of the PLUs by memory but we’re supposed to make the new cashiers look up all PLUs to give them practice.)

Me: “I’ll be right out.”

(I go out to help her. I physically show her where the PLU for oranges are.)

Cashier: “Thanks!”

(I start to leave.)

Cashier: “Wait!” *holds up head of cabbage* “What’s the number for lettuce?”

(I have recently been transferred to work at another location as they have had a lot of people suddenly quitting. The cashier has a bell to ring if they require assistance; this bell can only be heard on the shop floor. It is the first week of working there:)

Supervisor: “Okay, today we need you to fill everything. So make a list and head to the stockroom.”

(After making my list, I wait for about an hour for someone to come down and swap with me, so they can hear the bell. When no one arrives I run upstairs to find someone. I find my supervisor and other coworkers sitting in the office talking and laughing.)

Supervisor: “[My Name]! Why aren’t you on the shop floor filling?!”

Me: “Because no one was there to swap with me?”

Supervisor: “Well, yes, can’t you see we’re very busy here?”

(She gestures to her and her coworkers who all have phones and food out.)

Supervisor: “Just get on with your job, all right? If the place doesn’t look full by the end of your shift, I will be having words with [Manager]. Oh and [My Name]? Leaving the shop floor with no one else downstairs is a violation of our safety procedures. What if [Cashier] got their till stolen? And you’re up here. I’ll be making sure [Manager] writes this up.”

(As I turn and begin to leave:)

Supervisor: *to a colleague* “Why would they transfer the lazy incompetent one? Can’t even fill a simple shelf!”

(No one came down for the rest of my shift, other than to let me grab lunch. I can now see why they had so many staff members suddenly quit.)

Me: “Hey, [General Manager], can I dye my hair purple?”

General Manager: “How purple?”

Me: “Really purple.”

General Manager: “Like the color of Barney?”

Me: “No, not Barney colored!”

General Manager: “I’ll let you dye your hair if everyone can call you Barney.”