(I am currently a patient at a hospital, recovering from knee surgery to treat a BAD infection that threatened the joint itself. My pain starts to flare up so I press the call button.)

Nurse: “Nurses’ station. Is there something you need?”

Me: “Could you please have my nurse bring me my pain meds?”

Nurse: “Sorry, but we are doing our shift change report and no one is available. I will send your nurse as soon as we are done.” *hangs up*

(Fifteen minutes go by and no nurse. The pain is getting worse so I hit the button again.)

Nurse: “Nurses’ station. Is there something you need?”

Me: “Yeah. The pain is getting worse. Can you please send a nurse with some pain meds? I am in a lot of pain.”

Nurse: “Sorry, we are still in the middle of our shift change report. We will take care of you soon.” *hangs up again*

(I wait another ten minutes before I hit the call button, By this point the pain meds in my system are just about run out.)

Nurse: “Nurses’ station. How can I help you?”

Me: *with pained voice and starting to yell a little* “I am in a lot of pain. Can you please send someone with some pain meds for me? I can’t take this pain much longer.”

Nurse: “We are still doing our shift change, but I will see what I can do.”

(This time, she actually did something and my nurse was sent in with a vial of pain killers to inject into my IV. I just want to know what was so important to report, that all the nurses had to ignore patients for almost an hour!)

(I am at home, asleep in bed, when the phone rings.)

Me: “H’llo?”

Caller: “Hi! I’m from [Not My Phone Company], here to tell you about our great offer! We can get you your local connection for free, and our long-distance rates to the States are the best in Canada!”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not interested.”

Caller: “But it’s free! You don’t have to pay for your local calls at all!”

Me: “I don’t pay for them now, and I’m happy with my current phone company, thanks.”

Caller: “But why not?! It’s free!”

Me: “I don’t care. I’ve been with my current phone company for, like, ten years; I’ve never had a problem with them, and I don’t care if it’s free. I don’t want to switch!”

Caller: “But we have the best rates to the States! And it’s free locally!”

Me: “I don’t call the States. All my long distance calls are within BC. I don’t want to switch!”

Caller: “But why not?!”

Me: “Because you’re American and I don’t want to deal with an American company. I want to keep my Canadian one, thanks. Also, I hate your ads. They’re extremely annoying and I don’t want to have anything to do with [Not My Phone Company]. Now, I know it’s the afternoon, but I work graveyards, so it’s about four am for me. Thanks, but I don’t want to switch!”

Caller: “Fine! Goodbye!”

(She hangs up, but the next day, about the same time, she calls back.)

Me: “Mn. H’llo?”

Caller: “Hi! I’m calling from [Not My Phone Company]; have you thought about our great offer? We have the best rates in Canada!”

Me: “I don’t want to switch. I don’t want to deal with an American company, I’m perfectly happy with [My Phone Company], I hate your bloody ads, and I work graveyards so it’s like 4 am to me. Stop calling me! I don’t want to switch!”

Caller: “Fine. Goodbye!”

(Next afternoon, the phone rings AGAIN.)

Caller: “Hi! I’m calling from [Not My Phone Company]; have you thought about our offer?”

Me: “I don’t want to deal with you! I will never deal with you! Stop calling me! God!”

Caller: “Well, fine then! Will you explain to my supervisor why you won’t switch when it’s free to make local calls and our long distance rates are cheaper?”

Me: “We’re in BC! ALL local calls are free! With everyone! Yes, fine, give me your supervisor. Whatever.”

(The supervisor comes on almost immediately.)

Supervisor: “Hi, I understand that [Caller] explained our offer but you aren’t interested even though it’s a better deal for you. Could you tell me why you’re not interested?”

Me: “Yes. I don’t care if it’s cheaper; I’m happy with [My Phone Company] and I’m not going to switch away just to save about three bucks a month. I never call to the States so I really don’t care how cheap your long distance there is. You’re an American company and I want to support my Canadian one rather than a foreign one. And I know you don’t have any control over them but your ads are really annoying and I would be turning you guys down just based on those.”

Supervisor: “Yes, I see. Thanks.”

Me: “Also, as I’ve told your colleague three times already now, I work graveyards and it’s about four am for me and she’s been calling me this time every day for the past three days! So no, I’m sorry, but I won’t ever be dealing with your company. Sorry.”

Supervisor: “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry! Don’t worry, this won’t happen again!”

(And they never did call me again. I sincerely hope the bloody saleswoman was severely reprimanded, though.)

(We have a new employee to the store, who transferred from another store but has spent two years with the company.)

Employee: “Hey, I think they are holding to much money out of my check.”

Me: “Do you know what you have as withholdings? Like, your federal and state taxes?”

Employee: “No. Shouldn’t the tax rate be 8%?”

Me: “No, that is the sales tax rate, not the federal and state tax, and how long have you worked for us?”

Employee: “Two years. Did they change it from 8%?”

Me: “No. You should have federal, state, FICA, insurance, etc. coming out of your check. I am quite sure it is closer to 40% of your check being gone.”

Employee: “So how do I get it to 8%?”

Me: “Call the president of the USA, and tell him.”

(I work in a restaurant doing food preparation. Our stations are situated behind the line where food is actually cooked, but there is a window in the partition that is open so we can communicate with each other. Note that I am fairly new and haven’t yet grasped all the kitchen terminology.)

Cook #1: “Can I get pans team to line?”

Me: *to another coworker* “Did he just say ‘dance team to line’?”

(Everyone in earshot erupts with laughter. The cooks from the pans team come up behind us, shuffling on their feet to get by.)

Cook #2: “Hey, we’re dancin’, aren’t we?”

(They just put a new dealership in near my home for my brand of car. Needing a minor part, I drive over to check the place out, where I fell into conversation with the service manager.)

Service Manager: “Where have you been getting your car repaired?”

Me: “At [Well-Known Dealership].”

Service Manager: “You should never go there! They’ll totally rip you off! I just came here from [Well-Known Dealership] and I ripped off tons of people while I was there!”

Me: “…”