(I’m buying superworms for my salamanders. The pet store has a large display of ferrets near the front.)

Me: *to store employee* “Excuse me, could I feed a worm to the ferrets?”

Employee: “I… Let me check with my manager.”

Me: *to Manager* “I’d like to feed the ferrets one of these worms.”

Manager: “Uh, no. Ferrets don’t eat worms!”

Me: *to my friend* “What does she think wild ferrets eat, ferret food?!”

(I looked it up. Ferrets can eat, and most of them love, superworms.)

(My husband receives a call from a telemarketer. I hear only his half of the conversation.)

Husband: “Yes, I’m familiar with [Well-Known Home Security System].”

Husband: “No, I don’t think you can secure my home.”

Husband: “What can you offer me that’s better than my two Dobermans?”

Husband: “I have two adult Dobermans. I think they do a pretty good job of keeping my home safe. I don’t think you can offer anything that’s going to do better than that.”

(A minute later he hung up the phone.)

Husband: “Poor girl. I completely threw her off her script.”

(While perusing cheese, I am approached by a woman selling store credit cards. My husband has accused me of being too nice in these situations…)

Woman: “Hello! Can I interest you in a [Store] credit card?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Woman: “But you are shopping here; you could receive so many extra store points with a store credit card!”

Me: “I guess, but I am really not interested in another credit card.”

Woman: “We can talk about it while you shop! I can even get you started on an application! It’s very easy!”

Me: “No, really. I’m not interested, thanks.”

Woman: “All I need is your name and address, and we can get that going for you.”

Me: “I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m not interested.”

Woman: “But you shop here! You should get a card!”

Me: *thinking how I could shake this woman* “Well, I’m actually here to get a prescription, so I don’t have any time to look at this. Maybe I could look at a pamphlet—”

Woman: “Oh, no, we don’t have pamphlets. But if you give me your name and mailing address I can get you signed up and you’ll receive additional information in the mail!”

Me: “No, I don’t want that. And I have to go now. My prescription—”

Woman: “Are you picking it up here in the store? I can walk with you and we can get this application going!”

Me: “NO. No. Thank you, but no. I’m not—”

Woman: “You really should get the credit card; you can use it in the pharmacy as well!”

Me: “NO, THANK YOU. I HAVE TO GO NOW!”

(I used my very long legs to zoom away from her. It wasn’t until after I had picked up my prescription that I realized I had walked away with goat cheese… I was too afraid of encountering the saleswoman again, so I bought the cheese and went home!)

(This happened at work today, I read these sites all the time and never thought something like this would happen to me ever, but it happened today. I work retail, and we get some interesting customers.)

Me: *I’m ringing up a guy’s purchase* “Your total is [total].”

Guy: “I’m doing fine.”

Me: “Umm, what? I said your total is [total].”

Guy: “I thought you asked ‘how are you?'”

Me: ” No, but anyway how are you?”

Guy: “…”

(He never replied to that, and I told my coworker about it, and she laughed. One of the more interesting days at work.)

(I work as a courtesy clerk, and despite wearing the uniform, I am constantly asked if I worked there. I start getting creative.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “Nope, but I’m employed here.”