The Mother Of All Descriptions

| Related | July 29, 2013

(I am at the water park with my two young boys, aged seven and five. I get separated for several minutes, and start to panic, until I see them talking to a Park Safety Officer.)

Me: “There you are!”

Officer: “You’re the mom?” *starts laughing* “Your sons adore you. They wrote your name, address, phone number, and so much more.”

(On the officer’s notepad, I read what my seven-year-old wrote.)

Son’s Note: “Lost mom is a woman, 26 years old, tall, has boobs, sexy in red blue stripe swimsuit, not really skinny but beautiful, has hair, smells like Victoria’s secret.”

Me: “If your search has to go by that list, these kids will go home with a different mommy.”

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My Husband’s A Pinhead

| Romantic | January 10, 2013

(I am a cashier of a water park. We’re not allowed to use the intercom system unless it’s an emergency. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, [water park]. How can I help you?

Man: “I need you to page my wife.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re not allowed to page people unless it’s an emergency.”

Man: “But I need to talk to her! This is an emergency! A very big emergency!”

(At this point, I don’t really know what to do because this has never happened before. I explain the situation to my manager, and he talks to the man who I can hear from the head set is really upset at this point. My manager gets the wife’s name and pages her to the office. She comes in dripping wet and takes the phone.)

Wife: *panicked* “Honey, there’s an emergency? What’s going on?… You had me paged for this?… It hasn’t moved… Did you check the top shelf of the closet?”

(She hangs up and turns to me and my manager.)

Wife: “I’m so sorry. My husband couldn’t find his bowling ball for league tonight.”

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When Customers Finally See The Light(ning)

| Right | January 8, 2013

(It’s pouring rain and lightning has struck a nearby tower at our water park. We’ve therefore closed for safety and have evacuated all the guests. A woman of about 40 walks up to the gate while I’m ushering my fellow employees out of the park.)

Customer: “I’d like a ticket, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re closed right now due to inclement weather.”

Customer: “But I came here to use the water slides!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s not safe right now. Lightning could strike one of the structures at any moment.”

Customer: “Sell me a ticket!”

Me: “Ma’am, I cannot do that. We cannot allow you to enter the park during extreme weather.”

(Suddenly, the woman HITS me in the face with her beach bag and runs into the park. Two of the burly male lifeguards run after her and drag her back to safety just as lightning strikes our tallest water slide structure. There are very dramatic sparks and fire. The woman screams, turns, and starts running from the park. On her way out, she picks up her beach bag, hits me in the face AGAIN, and runs to her car. She got away.)

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There Is Something In The Water

| Romantic | September 21, 2012

(We are at a water-park, and it began to rain and thunder. We have to take shelter for severe lightning in the area. We hide under a wide water slide with several lifeguards and another family, telling funny stories to pass the time. While we are talking, we see a couple on the bridge over the lazy river. They begin to make out, not knowing we are watching.)

Me: “They are really into it, huh?”

Lifeguard: “This is hilarious!”

Other family: “We should slow clap when they finish!”

My Friend: “Totally!”

(They continue to kiss for ten straight minutes while we snicker and crack jokes about the lovebirds.)

Me: “Ha! We’re the creepy people under the slide watching them make out.”

(Four more minutes pass, they’re still making out.)

Friend: “When will they stop!?”

Other family: “They won’t separate!”

(Two more minutes pass, they finally stop kissing.)

Lifeguards/Family/Me/My Friend: *slow clap*

(The lovebirds start looking around in confusion. They finally spot us, and they turn beet red.)

Lifeguard: “Good job man!”

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Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5

| Right | September 8, 2012

(I’m at a nearby water park with some friends. A friend and I walk over to the deep end and start to get on the diving boards. The exchange initially takes place between my friend, a customer swimming in the deep end, and a lifeguard.)

Customer: *to my friend on the diving board* “Excuse me, people are swimming here.”

My Friend: “Umm… but this is the diving area.”

Customer: “You can’t dive here while we’re swimming!”

Lifeguard: “Ma’am, this is the diving area.”

(The female customer huffs angrily and then swims across the pool slowly, forcing my friend and I to wait before we can dive. We still go off the diving boards several times, and then leave to get on the water slides for awhile. We come back to the diving boards later to find the same customer making a scene with the park manager.)

Customer: “…and we would all have to get out of the water. Then this guy would do one dive and leave. We would all get back in the water and he would come back to dive again. It’s ridiculous.”

Manager: “Ma’am, this area is for diving only. You’re not supposed to swim in here. Furthermore, I won’t allow you to talk to my lifeguards like that. Please leave the park now.”

Customer: “I don’t have to listen to this ****. You better give me back my $4! I haven’t been here that long.”

Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m going to call the police.”

Customer: “Now you’re gonna call the police? I’ve been trying to be civil!”

(So much for being civil—we heard later from one of the lifeguards that she ended up leaving in the back of a police car.)


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