(I work at a little retail store beside our town’s main tourist attraction, the Signpost Forest, which has over 75,000 signs to date, right beside the Alaska Highway. A customer walks into the shop.)
Customer: “Where do I go to see the Signpost Forest?”
Me: “See right behind the shop, the hundreds of posts with the countless signs all over them?”
Customer: “Yah?”
Me: “See how they look like a forest?”
Customer: “Yah?”
Me: “That’s it.”
Customer: “…Are you sure?”
(Vancouver sees a lot of American tourists. Just like American businesses, we are concerned about counterfeit bills, so typically $50 and $100, US or Canadian, are rarely accepted and there are signs to this effect. This story takes place on a July 4. Exchange rates [generally quite unfavorable] are posted in case they use USD.)
Box Office Box Office Attendant: “Your total is $25 for 2 tickets.”
Customer: “Can you break this $100(USD)?”
Box Office Attendant: “I’m sorry; sir, but we cannot accept bills of that denomination. Do you have anything smaller?”
Customer: “No, and no one takes them. What can I do?”
Box Office Attendant: “You could take it to a bank and exchange it for Canadian.”
Customer: “How? Banks are closed today.”
Box Office Attendant: “Why would they be closed?”
Customer: “It’s a holiday!”
Box Office Attendant: “July 4th is not a holiday in Canada, sir. Today is a regular weekday.”
Customer: “I can’t believe you don’t celebrate Independence Day! Why don’t you?”
Box Office Attendant: “That’s your holiday; we have Canada Day on July 1. Banks are closed that day.”
Customer: “It would be lot easier if you followed our holidays.”
Box Office Attendant: “We’ll keep that in mind. Perhaps you have a credit card?”
This story is part of our July 4th roundup!
(My husband and I are on a group tour through a cave.)
Tour Guide: *at the beginning* “Now make sure you stay behind me! Don’t try to get ahead of me or wander off.”
(We reach the end of the cave and we’re just standing around, admiring it. After a while…)
Me: “Um…” *looks around* “Where’s the guide?”
Other Tour Members: *look around* “Wh… where’d he go? He’s gone!”
(We stood around for a bit waiting to see if he was hiding or something to scare us. He never re-appeared. Fortunately the path was easy to follow, so we all ended up walking back through the cave on our own. I heard he wasn’t working there long after that.)
(I live and work in a popular tourist town on an island. We provide boat tours around the bay between the island and the mainland. A woman comes up to me.)
Woman: “How do you know when you cross state lines during the tour if you’re on the water?”
Me: “Well, our tours don’t leave the bay, so we don’t encounter that situation.”
Woman: “You don’t cross state lines?”
Me: “No, we don’t.”
Woman: “Well, what’s that then?”
(She points at the mainland in the distance.)
Me: “That’s Providence, ma’am, and right across the bay is Jamestown.”
Woman: “No, no. What state is it?”
Me: “It’s still Rhode Island.”
Woman: “No, it can’t be. What state is it?”
Me: “I assure you, it’s still Rhode Island. Providence is the capital city.”
Woman: “How can the capital city of Rhode Island be outside of Rhode Island?”
Me: “It isn’t. All the land you see across the water is still Rhode Island.”
Woman: “But that’s impossible!”
(Suddenly I realize why she’s confused.)
Me: “Ma’am, the island we’re on right now is called Aquidneck Island. Rhode Island is a state comprised of several different islands and a large mainland. Providence is on the mainland and Jamestown is on Conanicut Island, which I assure you is still a part of Rhode Island.”
Woman: “You mean we’re not on Rhode Island?”
Me: “We are IN Rhode Island, but we are currently ON Aquidneck Island.”
Woman: “Well, that’s just false advertisement!”
(My family is Mormon and lives near Palmyra, NY, where Mormonism was founded when Joseph Smith prayed in a grove of trees near his house. This grove of trees is called in Mormonism “The Sacred Grove,” and bears a lot of religious significance to Mormons. The grove and the land are now owned by the Mormon Church, and a lot of tourists (Mormon and non-Mormon) come visit it. My younger brother, a teenager, works as the groundskeeper for the farm, grove, and a few other nearby sites of religious significance to Mormons. He gets a radio call from one of the missionaries that act as tour guides that there is a guest who’d like to speak to him.)
Brother: “What can I help you with?”
Guest: “Are you the groundskeeper?”
Brother: “Yes.”
Guest: “I have a complaint.”
Brother: “I’m sorry to hear that. What’s wrong?”
Guest: “I was out in the Sacred Grove, and there are SNAKES out there!”
Brother: “Yes. We try to keep the grove as much like it was when Joseph Smith prayed in 1820 so that anyone who would like can commune with God. That’s why, other than trails and a few benches, there is nothing unnatural in there.”
Guest: “But there are snakes!”
Brother: “Yes, there are snakes.”
Guest: “Get rid of them.”
Brother: “It is nearly 100 acres of wild, upstate NY forest. There are snakes in there. There is also poison ivy. That’s why, other than the established clearing, you stay on the path.”
Guest: “But there are SNAKES!”
Brother: “There are snakes. They aren’t poisonous, and they’re not hurting anyone. They are in their natural habitat. There were snakes when Joseph Smith prayed. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sorry it upsets you. By all reports there was a snake in the Garden of Eden, too.”
Guest: *wandering away* “It’s just so inappropriate!”
