(I’ve been obsessed with the Titanic since I was eleven years old, and I have a massive amount of knowledge on the passengers, especially the children. I’m attending a guided tour of Halifax for the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, and we are visiting the cemetery where most of the bodies recovered from the wreck site were buried.)

Tour Guide: “As you will see, most of the people buried here are adults. You may wonder why. Well, that’s because most of the children on board survived!”

Me: “Actually, that’s not true. Only half of the children on board survived, and first class men had a higher survival rate than third class children. The reason why most of the recovered bodies were adults is because children are smaller and harder to spot in the ocean.”

Tour Guide: *a bit annoyed* “All right, then.”

(We move on to the grave of Alma Pålsson, one of my favourite passengers. The tour guide starts telling her story.)

Tour Guide: “Alma was traveling on the Titanic with her four children to meet her husband, Nils. Nils worked as a coal miner in New York.”

Me: “Sorry, but I think you’re confusing him with someone else. Nils worked as a tram driver in Chicago.”

Tour Guide: *more annoyed* “Whatever! So, Alma was traveling with her four children and while on board, she became friends with a fellow Swedish passenger. During the sinking, the friend helped her family get ready and find their way to the boat deck. He was just lowering the two youngest children into a lifeboat when a wave swept them off the ship, and the whole family died.”

Audience: “Aww, that’s so sad!”

Me: “Um, sorry to interrupt you again. Although that makes a good story, it’s not true. The friend was—”

Tour Guide: “Ugh! Why don’t you just finish the story then?!”

(I did. I still wonder how that tour guide got hired, and why she expected to be taken seriously by Titanic experts with such limited knowledge!)

(For our honeymoon, I’ve convinced my wife to go scuba diving with me. First time divers need to figure out the proper amount of additional lead weights to add to their gear to compensate for buoyancy. My wife has just jumped in and is obviously carrying too much.)

Me: “Honey, this is probably the only time for the rest of our lives it’ll be safe for me to say this… I think you might be overweight.”

Wife: “Yep. That was your one time. Next time, I’m drowning you.”

(We are on a group tour through caves, 200-300 feet underground. There are metal stairs and viewing platforms along the path. At each platform, a park ranger will describe what we are seeing, talk about the cave’s exploration history, and answer any questions. One question comes from a young teen girl on the tour. )

Girl: “Are there balrogs in these caves?”

Park Ranger: “Ball rocks?”

Girl: “BAL-rogs, from Lord Of The Rings?”

Park Ranger: “Uh, not that I know of…”

This story is part of our Lord Of The Rings roundup!

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(I’m working the night shift, and my supervisor has asked me to shut most of the sliding doors and start getting ready to close, leaving me to empty the till while he goes to close another attraction. Our policy is not to turn away any customer unless we’ve started closing out the till. Three men, clearly a little drunk, come inside.)

Guy #1: “Can we come in?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ve just started closing and I can’t sell any more tickets.”

Guy #2: “We’ll be really quick.”

Me: “Unfortunately I’ve already started closing out so I’m actually unable to sell you a ticket, and I can’t let you in for free.”

Guy #1: “Well, what if I RAN PAST YOU?”

(At this point he starts running past my booth, but I just give him a withering glare with one eyebrow raised, a look I’ve perfected for dealing with unruly men at work. He stops in his tracks and backs up slowly to the entrance.)

Guy #1: *dejectedly* “I’m sorry.”

(I work as a tour guide on an open top bus tour around London. My job is to tell tourists about the history of the city, and the landmarks that we pass.)

Me: “… and as we continue along Fleet Street we’ll see one of the great landmarks of London coming into view, the wonderful dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral. St. Paul’s Cathedral is our next stop. St. Paul’s Cathedral was built after the great fire of London of 1666. St. Paul’s Cathedral stands 365 feet from the ground to the tip of the golden cross at the top of the dome, one foot for every day of the year.”

Lady On The Bus: “What’s this building here?”

Me: *pointing at St. Paul’s Cathedral* “This one?”

Lady On The Bus: “Yes.”

Me: *sighing* “The Sealife Aquarium.”

Lady On The Bus: “The Sealife Aquarium?”

Me: *shrugging* “Yeah, why not?”

Lady On The Bus: “Thank you.”

(She writes ‘Sealife Aquarium’ carefully on the bus tour map, next to the little picture of ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL, underneath the words ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL that are printed next to it.)

Me: “Pleasure. Welcome aboard those joining us here at St. Paul’s Cathedral…”