Her Wiser Self Is Weeping Right Now

, , , | Right | July 25, 2008

Me: “Ma’am, may I see your ID for your credit card?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: *points to the back* “Because it says to ‘See ID’.”

Customer: “Oh, right. I wrote that there so you can take it.”

Me: “I still need to see your ID.”

Customer: “Why? I wrote that so you know it’s me.”

Me: “Imagine if someone stole your card, told me they wrote ‘See ID’ and I accepted it?”

Customer: “But that didn’t happen; it’s really my card. Just take it!”

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Grab Bag: MMA-SF

, , , , , | Right | July 25, 2008

I work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s retail store. Here are a few things customers have asked me:

1. “Do you sell doo-rags here?”

2. “Do you want to come live in my condo with me, wrap my gifts, and keep me company?”

3. “What?! Iced tea makes you thirsty?!”

4. “Do my earrings make me look like Greta Garbo? Do they scream, ‘I want to be alone’?!”

5. “Are these rainbow watches for the queers?”

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Exorcisms Not Included

, , , | Right | July 23, 2008

(I’m a cashier at a popular toy store chain when a woman came up to the register with an opened Ouija board.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”

Me: “Is there anything, in particular, that’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “Well, no, it works. I’m returning it because it let evil spirits into my house!”

Me: *laughs*

Customer: “Why are you laughing? This game let spirits into my house, and I demand a refund!”

Me: “Uh, oh, alright then.” *I process the return*

Customer: *On the way out* “You really shouldn’t be selling satanic toys like this. What if a demon had come through and possessed one of my children?”

Me: “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll definitely pass that on to management.”

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No Means No Means No

, , , | Right | July 22, 2008

Customer: “I just got a new fish tank, and I was wondering what kind of fish I could put in it.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I proceed to show her some good starter fish. I point out some tetras, when she says…)

Customer: “I thought that you needed a bubbler for those kinds of fish.”

Me: “Oh! You don’t have a filter or anything?”

Customer: “No. Just a tank.”

Me: “Okay, well the only type of fish that can live in a bowl-like environment are bettas.”

Customer: “But I don’t want these kinds of fish!”

Me: “Well, if you want to get anything else, you will have to purchase a filter and everything for your tank.”

Customer: *points to some guppies* “So I can’t get these?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *points to some mollies* “What about these?”

Me: “No. With the tank set up you have, you can only get bettas.”

Customer: “What about the platties?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “So I can’t get anything else?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “So I can’t get the barbs?”

Me: *facepalm*


This story is part of the Terrible Fish Owners roundup!

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And The Angels Sang

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2008

Me: *on overhead* “Good evening, shoppers. The time is now 11 pm and your shopping center is now closed for the evening. Please bring all final purchases to the lit registers and thank you for shopping with us. Good night.”

(Five minutes later…)

Customer: “Can I still check out?”

Cashier: *next to me* “Yes, come on in.”

Customer: “I need to check some prices on a few items, can you do that for me?”

Cashier: “I think everyone in that department has gone home, but I can check for you.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Cashier: “That will be $174.34, please.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have enough money. Can I write you an IOU? I shop here all the time.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t take IOUs.”

Customer: “Then can you hold this until the morning, and I can come back?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t hold things overnight. Our policy states we can’t do that.”

Customer: “So, what… you’re trying to kick me out of the store?!”

Cashier: “No, ma’am. If you’d like to take a few things off to afford your purchase, I’d be more than happy to check you out.”

Customer: “FINE! I’m done!” *storms out of the store*

Me: *on overhead* “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”


This story is part of the Closing Time roundup!

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