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Invasion Of The Spacey Wedding Guests

, , , | Right | December 15, 2008

(A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or BlueTooth headset in sight.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

Me: “I have more than one Emily in the system… do you know her last name or the groom’s name?”

Customer: “More than one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

(The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

Customer: “Rockinred@***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

(Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

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Customer Service, Metaphorically Speaking

, , , | Right | December 12, 2008

(A woman comes up to me at the customer service desk with a piece of paper that has [Bike Brand] and a bunch of numbers written on it.)

Me: “How can I be of service to you today?”

Customer: “I need to return my bike.”

Me: “All right, is there anything wrong with it? And do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt, but here’s the bike number. And yes, I went to a professional bike repair guy who told me that all the spokes are rusted, and it would cost $50 to replace.”

Me: “Okay, we don’t return bikes in a ‘used’ state, only ‘new.’ But we do repair them.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t return bikes? The spokes are all rusted!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how the company policy is.”

Customer: “Can YOU repair it, right now?”

Me: “No; we have someone come here a couple of times a week to do the repairs.”

Customer: “Well, I need this bike now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we only do repairs. The guy will be here Tuesday.”

(I look around for her bike…)

Me: “So… where is the bike? So I can put the repair label on it?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I don’t have it with me now! I can’t ride the bike here! And it doesn’t fit in my car!”

Me: “Well… I need the bike here to do returns and repairs, accompanied by a receipt.”

Customer: “I need a receipt, too?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *storms out*


This story is part of our Bicycle roundup!

Read the next Bicycle roundup story!

Read the Bicycle roundup!

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Who You Gonna Call?

, , | Right | December 11, 2008

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you sell ghost vacuums?”

Me: “Umm… no?”

Customer: “Okay, well… thanks anyway.”

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I Just Lost My Appetite…

, , , | Right | December 10, 2008

(A customer comes in with “artistic” nude pictures of herself and her husband, and throws them on the counter.)

Customer: “What kind of frame should I put on these? They are going in the kitchen.”

Me: “The kitchen, huh? Well, I can start you off with a few options.” *I show her a few frames*

Customer: “…and how much would this be?”

Me: “$350.00 each.”

Customer: “For $350.00 I’d expect something a little more… phallic.”

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Geography, My Arch Nemesis, We Meet Again…

, , , , , | Right | December 10, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] at Santana Row. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Your stores are having midnight releases for ‘World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King,’ right?”

Me: “Yes, certain locations are going to be open, but our store–”

Customer: *interrupting* “It’s already midnight on the East Coast; you can’t you sell them now?”

Me: “Uhh… unfortunately not.”

Customer: “BUT WHY?! IT’S MIDNIGHT IN THE EAST COAST!”

Me: “Well, it’s not midnight here, so, NO, we can’t sell it.”

Customer: “But people will be leveling up before me! AGHHH! This is bull-s***!”

Me: “Either way, our location isn’t going to be open for the midnight release. The closest location that will be open for the midnight release is 45 minutes away.”

Customer: “So if I go there, they should be selling them?!”

Me: “Probably not. They’re still on Pacific Standard Time.”

Customer: “What should I do then?! Everyone on the East Coast will have a head start!”

Me: “Maybe you should move to the East Coast.”

Customer: “What time are you closing?”

Me: “10:00 pm.”

Customer: “I’m coming right now!”

Me: “Okay…?”

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