(A regular bar patron who would drink Irish coffee and run his yap is talking about French fries, when he spots me, the chef.)
Customer: “Do you put corn meal on your French fries?”
Me: “Uh… no.”
Customer: “F*** you!”
(He later died, and his repass was held in our banquet room. That day, we put corn meal on our French fries.)
(My friend and I decide to eat at a Russian restaurant we have never eaten at before. We order some dumplings and a ‘Georgian sausage.’ The sausage, which is made of pork, is a very large one, which we share. It is when I cut into the center and try it that I realize it is still quite raw on the inside. We call over the waiter.)
Me: “Excuse me, this sausage is undercooked, it’s still raw in the center.” *show the sausage*
Waiter: “This is fine. It is cooked.”
Me: “No, it’s not, and this sausage is made of pork, which is dangerous to serve undercooked like this.”
Waiter: “The sausage is cooked. If you wanted it well done, you should have asked for it well done!”
(We left without tipping, as we shouldn’t have to ask for pork to be ‘well done’!)
(I’m calling in a take-out order to a restaurant that I order from frequently.)
Me: “Can I please get a club sandwich on whole wheat bread?”
Cashier: “I’m sorry; we don’t have whole wheat bread.”
Me: “Really? Did you stop carrying it? I ordered the same thing last week, and you had whole wheat bread then.”
Cashier: “No, we don’t have whole wheat bread. We just have whole wheat toast…”
(I have no idea what to say to that without sounding like a smartass, so I sit in silence for a moment. I can practically hear the wheels starting to turn in her head.)
Cashier: “Oh. I guess we can probably use that bread to make your club.”
Me: “Sounds good.”
(My sister and I are avid fans of ‘Game of Thrones’ and are in various stages of reading the books, as well. I’ve finished all of them and she’s almost done with the third book. Our dad has just finished the first book, but doesn’t watch the show. We’re discussing both the books and the show at lunch, and avoiding spoilers is tricky.)
Dad: “So who’s still alive by book four?”
Sister: “Well…”
Dad: “I mean, I know [Character #1] and [Character #2] both die before then, but I was wondering who else does.”
Sister: “Uh… why?”
Me: “And how do you know that?”
Dad: “I saw a news story on my homepage about it when it happened on the show.”
Sister and Me: “…”
Dad: “And I saw that [Character #3] died last week. And what’s up with [Character #4]’s hand?”
Me: “Everything you just said are probably the biggest spoilers of the entire series so far. Why are you ruining it for yourself?”
Dad: “I just want to know where the characters end up…”
Sister and Me: “That’s why you READ THE BOOKS!”
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(My friends and I are discussing our favorite and least favorite authors and books.)
Me: “I don’t like Shakespeare or Dickens. I can never understand them!”
Friend #1: “Me neither. Plato was good though. And Albom, too.”
Friend #2: “I liked Dickens! I thought his characters were good, especially the pick-pocket.”
Friend #1: “Who?”
Friend #2: “Oliver Twist was a pickpocket! Am I the only one who has read A Tale of Two Cities?!”
Me: “I don’t know what book you read, but I’m pretty sure Oliver Twist was from Oliver Twist!”
