(We have a cell phone section of our store, which I know nothing about, and is the only department I don’t work in. An older man comes up to me holding out his phone, across the store from where phones are located. I’m a 20-year-old female.)

Customer: “Excuse me? Do you know anything about cell phones?”

Me: “Sorry, no, but I can take you over to [Coworker], who does.”

(I start to walk over to phones, but he stops me first and takes out his phone.)

Customer: “Do you think I need more memory on my phone? You see, I have to hide this from my wife.”

(He opens his pictures and videos. All there is is p*rn.)

Me: “Uhm… I don’t know… Let me take you to [Coworker.]”

(I start to walk again, and again he stops me.)

Customer: “Look how clear the videos are!”

(He starts playing a video, of hardcore p*rn.)

Me: “Uh… yeah, it’s very clear. But I really don’t know anything about phones so…”

(He keeps playing video after video, and finally a male coworker walks by.)

Me: “Hey! [Coworker], can you help this ‘gentleman’ with his phone and memory cards?”

(I practically ran away.)

(A customer of around 45 comes up to me. I am a 21-year-old girl.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if I had enough memory on my phone for the movies I’ve downloaded, and to download more?”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure. Let’s go up to the mobile consultant. He should be able to answer that.”

(I start walking to the consultant, who is on the other side of the store. The customer stops me after about a foot, and pulls out his phone.)

Customer: “You see, I have all these movies; they’re short, but I have about 150 of them. And I have 32 GB of memory. I also don’t want my wife to see them, but I don’t want a separate memory card.”

Me: “I mean, I don’t know much about phones, but that seems like it should be sufficient.”

(The customer starts scrolling through his “movies,” which are clearly adult in nature.)

Customer: “I just got a Galaxy. The movies are so clear!”

(He starts to play several p*rn videos, as I stand there, shocked.)

Customer: “I’m hiding them from my wife. So, 32 GB should be good?”

Me: “Uh… yeah. Seems like it…”

(A customer comes to check out with a basket of art supplies, including a pad of drawing paper. The customer hands me the other items, but stands there holding a shopping list and the paper, looking back and forth between them and frowning.)

Me: “The paper, too?”

Customer: “Will this work?”

(The customer’s list has ’12 x 18′ written on it.)

Customer: “How do I know if this will work?”

Me: “The paper cover says ’18 x 12.'”

Customer: “But she wrote ’12 x 18!'”

Me: “… well, she didn’t specify the kind of paper or the kind of pad, just the size. This is the same size; she just wrote it a different way.”

Customer: “Oh, but, I don’t know!” *very anxious* “How can you be sure?”

(My coworker sees the confusion and comes over.)

Coworker: “Did you have a question?”

Customer: “I’m supposed to buy ’12 x 18,’ but I can only find ’18 x 12.'”

Coworker: “…uh, you should be fine. See, you can hold it two ways, so it doesn’t really matter which side the binding is on. You can always cut the drawings out. It’s the same size paper.”

Customer: “This is just so perplexing to me!”

(My store sells desks and other office furniture. A customer who recently purchased a desk comes marching into the store, looking angry.)

Customer: “YOUR COMPANY IS SPYING ON ITS CUSTOMERS!”

Coworker: “What?”

Customer: “You’re spying on your customers!”

Coworker: “How do you figure?”

Customer: “I just bought a desk from you guys, and on the instructions it says there’s a ‘hidden cam’ I’m supposed to install!”

Coworker: “Sir, a cam-screw is just a type of screw. This one’s called a hidden cam because after you build everything, you won’t be able to see the screw any more.”

Customer: “No, it’s a camera! You’re trying to steal information about people, and sell it to the government!”

Coworker: “Sir, why would my company waste hundreds of thousands of dollars sneaking cameras into desks, cameras that are covered up by other pieces of the furniture and pointed at the floor?”

Customer: “Well they could be listening in on my conversations!”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be called a ‘hidden mic,’ then?”

Coworker: “And why would we go so far as to clearly label the hidden cam as a hidden cam?”

Customer: *leaves, defeated*

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [store]! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my laptop that I bought from you guys a while ago got stolen. I need to get a copy of my receipt for insurance purposes.”

Me: “Okay, no problem! What I need is the cred—”

Customer: “What I’m going to give you is my name and phone number, and you see what you can find with that.”

Me: “Ma’am, when we do receipt lookups, it’s processed at the register. I need you to bring in the card you paid with, and the UPC or item number of the laptop, if you happened to save those off the box.”

Customer: “I don’t have any of that.”

Me: “Well, do you have one of our rewards cards?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Err… could you tell me what kind of laptop it was?”

Customer: “I ALREADY SAID THAT!”

Me: “If you did, I didn’t hear it ma’am. What was it?”

Customer: “I already said it. But it was… tah-shibbia? Or… Toshi-bai-bah or something.”

Me: “Toshiba.”

(I wait for the customer to supply more information about the laptop, but she’s silent.)

Me: “…and the model number?”

Customer: “I DON’T HAVE THAT!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I really need at least that information so I could look up an item number. How about the month you purchased the laptop; do you have that?”

Customer: “What month is this? Well, it isn’t April yet. So this month must be March. I bought it in November. Maybe it was around my birthday. Like if I bought myself a birthday present! Yeah, that must’ve been it.”

(I wait for the customer to tell me when her birthday is.)

Customer: “Anyway, you see what you can find with that, and call me back.”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, I need to know what kind of lapt—”

Customer: “No, look it up with my name. And if you can’t find it, you call me back and tell me exactly what you need, and I’ll get it for you.”