Coworker: *reading an email* “Hey, [my name], what does ‘que’ mean in Spanish?”

Me: “‘What.'”

Coworker: “I said, what does ‘que’ mean?”

Me: “‘What.'”

Coworker: “[My name], what does ‘que’ mean?”

Me: “‘What.'”

Coworker: “What. Does. ‘Que.’ Mean.”

Me: “‘WHAT.'”

Coworker: “Oh my god, [my name]! WHAT DOES ‘QUE’ MEAN?!”

Me: “‘Que’ MEANS ‘what’ in Spanish! The meaning of ‘que’ is ‘what!’ ‘Que’ equals ‘what!’ ‘QUE’ IS ‘WHAT!'”

(I work in the copy center of a large chain store. A couple comes in and ask for a copy of an ID card, and social security card. I make the copy, and bring it over to the counter where they are standing.)

Me: “Here you go. Does everything look alright?”

Customer: “Oh wow, you can print in color? I didn’t even know you could print in color!”

Me: “Yes, we can.”

Customer: “Wow, so is it the paper?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Like, is it the paper that makes it print in color?”

Me: *a little baffled* “No… it’s actually the ink.”

Customer: That’s crazy! It looks just like the real thing!”

(I am a girl, and so is the customer.)

Customer: “I need a guy to help me get some boxes of paper.”

Me: “Oh, they’re all busy, but that’s okay; I can get it for you.”

Customer: “No! Girls shouldn’t be lifting heavy things!”

Me: “Why not? I lift heavy things all the time.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be!”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “Because you are a woman! Women can’t lift heavy things! You’ll hurt your back!”

Me: “Not if I lift it properly. I carry boxes of paper all the time as part of my job. I can lift it no problem.”

Customer: “But I need five of them!”

Me: “That’s okay; I’ll put them on a dolly.”

Customer: “No! Women shouldn’t be lifting things as heavy as that!”

Me: “Okay, seriously. Women can lift whatever they want. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean that I can’t lift paper. If I wasn’t a strong woman, maybe I wouldn’t be strong enough to do it, and then I would hurt myself. But I am strong enough to lift that paper, so I won’t hurt myself.”

Customer: “I’M NOT BUYING THE PAPER UNLESS A MAN LIFTS IT FOR ME!”

(I am a 20-year-old girl, with several tattoos. Only the clover on my wrist is visible. An older customer comes in at least once a week.)

Older Customer: “What happens when you get older and the tattoo looks bad?”

Me: “That’s part of the experience of having a tattoo; it grows with you. Plus, I’m Irish, so it’s part of my heritage. It’s not like I’m going to regret it.”

Customer: “Yes, you will. When you get old, it will get ugly, and you’ll hate it.”

Me: “Sir, no offense, but it’s my heritage. That is not something I will hate. And even if it does get ugly, the rest of me will be wrinkled too. And really, it isn’t any of your business or concern what I do to my body.”

(A male coworker comes up, who also has a visible tattoo. The customer says nothing to him.)

Me: “What about his tattoo?”

Customer: “Oh, it doesn’t matter; he’s a man. Women just shouldn’t get tattoos. They’ll make them ugly later on.”

This story is part of our Tattoo roundup!

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(A customer approaches, and angrily sets down her laptop.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I purchased this laptop two months ago, and you guys installed antivirus on here. Now I have a virus on my computer. I barely use it and rarely even go on the internet, so obviously they’re defective. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’ll be happy to help, ma’am. Would you mind if I run our free in-store diagnostic test, just to make sure that it is a virus?”

Customer: “Fine, but it’ll be a waste of time; this shouldn’t have happened and—”

(The customer continues ranting about how inept our technology items are. Meanwhile, I am running our diagnostic, and even superficially I can tell that it has a virus infection. Curious, I also quickly pull open the program list. I notice something interesting.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you know what [software name] is?”

Customer: “Uh, no…”

Me: “It’s a peer-to-peer sharing program. It’s one of the ways that people can illegally download music, movies, and the like. It’s also a very common way to get viruses, since anyone can upload anything to the P2P network.”

Customer: “But I would never do anything like that.”

Me: “Ma’am, does anyone else use your computer?”

(The customer’s face suddenly drops.)

Customer: “My daughter…”

Me: “Does she have her own account with parental controls, or do you let her use your account?”

Customer: “She uses mine.”

Me: “Well, most likely she’s been using it to download files, and that’s how you got the virus.”

Customer: “But the antivirus software you guys installed should’ve stopped this!”

Me: “Antiviruses aren’t magic walls, ma’am. If you allow viruses to get past the protocols, which this would, viruses can get through. Normally, the software should issue a warning, but most likely your daughter ignored that when she downloaded the files.”

Customer: “Oh… Well, how much is this going to cost me to fix?”

(I give her the quote, which she dutifully pays. As I hand her the receipt, she mentions one last thing.)

Customer: “When I get home, that girl is going to be grounded so hard! That money is coming out of her bank account!”