Stop And Stair

| Right | July 1, 2011

(A customer approaches one of the security guards.)

Customer: “Your escalators are broken.”

Security: “What do you mean by broken?”

Customer: “They aren’t moving.”

Security: “Okay. Which one is it?”

(The customer leads the security guard to the “escalator” and stands on the top step.)

Customer: “See, broken.”

Security: “Sir, those are stairs.”

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The Santa Photo Clause

, , , , | Right | December 25, 2010

(I work at a set where kids can get their picture taken with Santa. Among other things, we sell a CD with one picture on it.)

Customer: “What’s this I hear about a CD?”

Me: “Well, you can get a CD with one picture on it. You also get the rights to the picture so you can do anything you want with it after that!”

Customer: “But I have two kids! Why can’t they go together for the picture?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure I follow.”

Customer: “I have two kids. I want them both in the picture!”

(The customer is holding up the line, and a woman behind him speaks up.)

Other Customer: *joking* “Oh, didn’t they tell you? You have to pay using one child. Pick the one you like the best, and they’ll be in the picture. They keep the other kid.”

Customer: *horrified* “Oh, my God! You’re all animals!” *hurriedly leaves*

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Try Explaining That To Your Insurance Agent

, , , , | Right | October 21, 2010

(I work in security at a huge outlet mall. Occasionally, shoppers can’t find their car and we drive them around looking for it.)

Customer: “It seems my car was stolen. It definitely isn’t where I parked it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s drive around and just make sure it isn’t here.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was here a year ago and it got stolen then, also!”

(We drive around the lots and all of a sudden she starts yelling.)

Customer: “Oh, my god, I don’t believe it! It’s here!

Me: “That’s your car?”

Customer: “No! I mean, yes! That’s my car from last year. That’s right, that IS where I parked it!”

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Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

| Right | October 26, 2009

(At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

Me: “What’s not?”

Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

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More Cars Than Common Sense

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2009

(I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

(I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

(After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

(They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”


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