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Her Bark Is Worse Than Her Bite

, | Romantic | October 6, 2011

(I am staying over at my cousin’s house when he receives a phone call from a telemarketer.)

Cousin: “Security system? No, no. Listen, I have two dogs and my wife. I have more than enough home security.” *hangs up*

You Say Tomato, I Say Prenatal

| Romantic | October 4, 2011

(I’m getting ready to make dinner. Note that my fiancé and I have not been intimate for a few months now due to an injury he sustained kickboxing.)

Me: *walks into room* “Hey babe, I have some bad news.”

Fiancé: “Oh my God, you’re pregnant!”

Me: “Uh…no. We’re out of spaghetti sauce.”

Fiancé: *rushes up and hugs me* “I love you anyway.”

Me: *speechless*

Fiancé:Especially your empty womb.”

Man 1, Bag 0, Chivalry -1

| Romantic | October 4, 2011

(It is late at night and I am trying to finish a project for work. My husband is “keeping me company” by playing a video game nearby. The last step is to put a label on the package. The labels are in a clear plastic bag, which I struggle to open, before giving up.)

Me: “Honey, can you open this for me?”

(My husband takes the bag, easily pops it open, and returns to his game. I finish my task.)

Me: “Honey, do you love me even though I’m not smarter than a plastic bag?”

Husband: “Darling, I love you because you are not smarter than a plastic bag.”

Leave The Acting To The Actors

| Romantic | September 30, 2011

(I’m sitting on the couch with my fiancé and we’re flipping through Netflix trying to find something to watch.)

Me: “Would you just pick something already?!”

Fiancé: “Like what? What are you in the mood for?”

Me: “Something funny.”

Fiancé: “How about Big Trouble in Little China?”

Me: “Good movie, but no thanks.”

(Suddenly, he stands up.)

Fiancé: “This just isn’t going to work.”

(My fiancé collects his belongings, puts on his shoes, and walks out the door. As I sit there in shock and mouth agape, he comes back in the house.)

Fiancé: “Just kidding hun! Haha! Good commitment though, huh?”

Me: “You’ll be sleeping on the couch. There’s Big Trouble in Little San Marcos tonight!”

Why Men Never Hear The End Of It

| Romantic | September 29, 2011

Me: “Joe?”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: “Hey, Joe!”

Fiancé: *nothing*

Me: “Joseph!”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: “Dumba**!”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: *yelling at ear-splitting volume* “I will slap your mother with a fish, murder your puppy, and leave you in the forest to die with Cujo and the Littlest Hobo!”

Fiancé: *still no response*

Me: *muttering as I walk away* “…a**hole.”

Fiancé: “Did you just say something?”

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