(My girlfriend and I have been living together for several years. We are currently on the sofa watching TV. My girlfriend is lying on me. Her head is on my chest.)

Girlfriend: “I can hear your heart.”

Me: “When you sleep, I can hear your butt.”

Girlfriend: “That’s not a romantic way to say me that I fart in my sleep.”

Me: “You mean there is a romantic way?”

(Both my girlfriend and I are bisexual. We very frequently form crushes on people we know, including currently two of our friends who are in a couple together.)

Me: “[Friend #1] was complaining today about how [Friend #2] apparently won’t ever allow them to have a threesome.”

Girlfriend: “Do you think it would’ve been okay for me to yell ‘I volunteer as tribute!’?”

Girlfriend: “You smell… nice.”

Me: “Hmm. Oh, thanks. Not wearing anything different than normal.”

Girlfriend: “It’s a bit …flowery, like perfume.”

Me: *it dawns on me* “Oh, crap.”

Girlfriend: “Something you want to tell me?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, I suppose you would have guessed anyway. Before you finished work I picked out your Christmas present. It’s in that bag.”

Girlfriend: *finds the perfume* “Aw, thank you! It’s exactly the one I wanted. Can I have it now? Pleeeease?”

Me: “H***, no. You will have to wait!”

Girlfriend: “You’re so mean!”

(My family go to my grandmother’s house to open even more Christmas presents. My grandparents have gotten us a trampoline, and are trying to get us to think that Santa has made a last minute delivery outside. That way, we can go outside and see our new trampoline.)

Grandma: “Hey kids! I hear something!”

Me: “What is it?!”

Grandma: “Shh! Listen!”

*silence*

Brother: “…sorry, I pooted.”

(It’s about 7 am, a few weeks before Christmas. My sister, who normally doesn’t wake up until 9 am, has been called into her retail job early. She’s still a little tired and very annoyed.)

Sister: “I hate Christmas so much. I want to shoot whoever invented the idea.”

Dad: “Well, they crucified him…”