Revenge Is A Prize Best Served Sweet

| Natchitoches, LA, USA | Learning | May 20, 2013

(I’m at a fundraising fair for my high school. There are several different games set up, including one that involves throwing a football through a tire that is suspended from a frame. The game is being run by a female student, who happens to be one of my friends, and a male student who is our junior varsity quarterback. Note: I am a very petite female freshman.)

Me: “Hey, [friend’s name], how many tickets to play? I’d love a candy bar.”

Friend: “It’s two tickets for two throws but for four we’ll swing the tire. You still only get two throws but we double the prize.”

Football Player: *snorts* “Why don’t you come back with your boyfriend and let him play for you, sweetie? I’d hate to just take your tickets like that.”

Me: *to friend* “Okay, I’ll give you four tickets then.”

(I hand my friend the tickets and she gives me the football.)

Football Player: *rolls his eyes* “Honey, you just wasted your tickets! Plenty of guys have tried and failed so you’re not gonna make it either!”

Me: “Just shut up and swing the tire.”

(He shrugs then swings the tire, muttering that I’m an idiot. I carefully watch the tire then throw the ball. It barely goes through. He scoffs and tosses me the ball.)

Football Player: “Lucky shot!”

Me: “No, I didn’t have my fingers lined up properly.”

Football Player: “Yeah, right.”

(He sets the tire in motion again. I make sure to line my fingers up properly this time then throw it. The ball goes through the tire dead center. The football player’s jaw drops and he stares at me. Then, his face goes red and he stomps off.)

Me: “What’s his damage?”

(My friend hands me my prizes, which include a candy bar.)

Friend: “He’s mad ’cause even he couldn’t make the shot.”

Me: “So you mean to tell me I have better throwing accuracy than the JV quarterback?”

Friend: “Yep!”

Me: “Ah, that just made this candy bar that much sweeter.”

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A Not-So-Super Senior

| USA | Learning | May 20, 2013

(I overhear the principal reminding a student of school rules.)

Student: “You don’t have to tell me the rules! I’m not stupid. I’ve been at this high school for five years!”

And Drums For A Comedic Rimshot

, | Scotland, UK | Learning | May 19, 2013

(We’re being taught guitar in my first year music class. During the class, one of the strings breaks on my guitar. I am going to get another guitar from the store cupboard.)

Teacher: *shouting* “Oh, you’ve left your G string behind!”

Me: “Aren’t guitarists used to finding those lying around stage?”

Half-Baked Jokes Can Lead To Dough-leful Regrets

, | Ontario, Canada | Learning | May 17, 2013

(I am in baking class and my group is making hamburger buns. A classmate plops some bread dough in his mouth.)

Me: “You did not just do that!”

Classmate: *smirking* “Yeah, I did.”

Me: “You do know you’re not supposed to eat bread dough, right?!”

Classmate: “Why? The teacher didn’t see.”

Me: “You do know what bread dough does when we leave it in a bowl with a towel over it, right?”

Classmate: “Yeah, it expands.”

Me: “What do you think it does in your stomach?”

Classmate: “That doesn’t even make sense!”

Me: “Your stomach is full of gasses that create a certain temperature that allows the bread dough to leaven. Then, it expands and eventually your stomach can’t handle it and it explodes!”

Classmate: *nervously* “Yeah right; nice try.”

(Some of the other classmates notice what’s going on and tell him that his stomach will explode. At this point he becomes horrified, and decides to ask the teacher if it’s true.)

Teacher: *pretending to be horrified* “You what?! How much did you eat?!”

Classmate: “Only a small ball; about the size of one of the ice cream scoops.”

Teacher: “Oh no! What have you done?!”

(At this point, my classmate is absolutely horrified and starts freaking out and asking if he needs to go to the hospital. We finally can’t take anymore and the group starts to laugh including the teacher. The classmate was very embarrassed and never ate bread dough again!)

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There’s No Way To Sugar Coat This

| Orlando, FL, USA | Learning | May 15, 2013

(My biology class is currently studying human reproduction. A male classmate raises his hand to ask a question.)

Biology Teacher: “Yes, [classmate]?”

Classmate: “Uh, yeah. I was wondering… if semen has glucose in it, does it taste sweet?”

(The entire class erupts in laughter.)

Biology Teacher: “Well, you’ll never know unless you find out for yourself.”

(The class erupts in laughter again as her eyes go wide and she clasps both hands over her mouth.)

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