He Beat Him To The Punch

| PA, USA | Learning | June 17, 2013

(I have been taking martial arts classes and have just tested for a green belt, which is an intermediate belt. During the test, I receive high praise from the instructor for the accuracy of one of my kicks. In school a week later, I’m waiting in the hall after lunch to get into my classroom. I’m also considered one of the “uncool” kids because I’m really hyper and nerdy.)

Me: “Hey [my name]!”

(I look down the hall at him, ready to be teased. He starts yelling a bunch of faux martial arts noises while running at me. I grit my teeth because I’ve been mocked for studying martial arts and have been fed up with being teased.)

Annoying Kid: “Hyaaaaaaaaaaa-woof!”

(He woofs because I kick him in the gut with a side-kick while he was preparing to run into me. He collapses to the ground, winded. A teacher across the hall opens up his door.)

Teacher: “What the h*** happened here?”

Annoying Kid: *points at me* “He… kicked… me…”

(I hang my head because I know I’ve just used martial arts to hurt somebody who wasn’t going to physically hurt me.)

Teacher: *to annoying kid* “Get up and get back to your class.”

Annoying Kid: “But—”

Teacher: “Now. Or I’ll send you to Mr. [principal’s name] office.”

(The annoying kid walks off.)

Teacher: *to me “And you, young man.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Teacher: “That was an impressive side-kick. Keep up the training.”

(The teacher walks back into his class.)

Teacher: *to his class* “And what have we learned from the gentlemen outside, class?”

Student: “Don’t p*** off a kung-fu guy?”

Teacher: “Don’t p*** off anyone, especially a guy that can kick your a**.”

 

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Sum-things You Can Do In Your Sleep

| IA, USA | Learning | June 13, 2013

(I am taking a 7:30 AM advanced math course. Prior to this year, my classes started at 8:30 AM, so I am not used to this schedule. I wander into class around 7:35 AM.)

Teacher: “Nice of you to join us.”

(I find my seat, open my book, and lay my head down to take a nap. 15 minutes later…)

Teacher: “[My name], what is the answer to problem number six?”

Me: “Uhhh… [right answer].”

Teacher: “…”

(I go back to sleep. About 15 more minutes pass and I lift my head up and stare at the chalkboard for a minute.)

Me: “[Teacher], shouldn’t that be a negative two instead of a positive two?”

(The teacher looks at the board.)

Teacher: “Uhhh… yeah. That’s right.”

(The entire class stares at me in disbelief as I lay down for the remaining 15 minutes of class.)

Teacher: *shaking his head* “I don’t know either.”

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Let’s Cut The Clap

| Aichi, Japan | Learning | June 12, 2013

(One of my duties as an ESL teacher is to help my more advanced students prepare for English Speech competitions. A student is reciting a first draft of her new speech about a violin concert she gave while visiting another school.)

Student: “As I finished the song, the auditorium was silent. I was very frightened. Then, one man began to crap.”

(I look up from the notes I’ve been taking.)

Student: “Then, another man began to crap. Soon, everyone is crapping. I think they enjoyed my song, after all.”

Me: “I think maybe you should use the word ‘applaud’ for your speech. Here, let’s practice together…”

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For His Punishment, He Was Concubined To Quarters

| Canada | Learning | June 11, 2013

(My religion teacher is lecturing the class about the life of a religious figure.)

Teacher: “Despite the king’s efforts, the prince managed to sneak out from the concubines of the castle that night.”

(I’m pretty sure she meant “confines.”)

Me: *whispering to friend* “I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means.”

Goodbye, Norma JWoww

| San Diego, CA, USA | Learning | June 10, 2013

Girl #1: “Would I look like Marilyn Monroe with my hair curled?”

Guy #1: “Who is Marilyn Monroe?”

Half of the Class: “What? Seriously? Are you kidding?”

Girl #1: “Who is Marilyn Monroe?!”

Guy #1: “Well, who is she?”

Girl #1: “Seriously, you don’t know who Marilyn Monroe is?”

Guy #1: “I don’t know that b****!”

Guy #2: “Dude, she’s… you know that chick from Jersey Shore?”

(Girl #1 makes the most epic “are you kidding me” face I’ve ever seen.)

Guy #2: “Nah, I’m just kidding; just kidding.”

Girl #1: “But SERIOUSLY, you don’t know?”

Guy #1: “No, who is she?”

Girl #1: “She’s like, an actress—”

Random Girl: “But she’s old now.”

Random Guy: “She’s not old; she’s dead.”

Girl #1: “Yeah, and she sang, too.”

Guy #1: *totally ignoring random guy* “Oh, Jwoww! You meant Jwoww!”

Guy #2: “Yeah! Jwoww!”