(I drive a truck, and my nephew is accompanying me. My nephew is still in a car seat, and the law states that it is illegal to have a car-seat in a seat with an air-bag.)

Me: “All buckled up! Alright, let’s get going.”

(She gets all strapped in herself, then realizes she has left the passenger air bags on.)

Me: “Oh, shoot!”

Nephew: “What’s the matter?”

Me: *having trouble with the part that turns off the airbags* “I forgot to turn the airbag off.”

Nephew: “What’s an airbag?”

(She finally turns it off.)

Me: “Well, if we get into an accident, it’s kind of like a big balloon that stops you from moving.”

Nephew: “Oh, so you don’t want me to have that?”

Me: “No, it’s not that. It’s against the law to have it on with you in the truck.”

Nephew: “Oh, so no one wants me to be safe in the car?”

(He begins to tear up and sniffle.)

Me: “You are right. What am I thinking?”

(I pretend to fiddle around with the dashboard.)

Me: “There we go, all turned back on.”

Nephew: “Yay! You do love me!”

(My husband and I are on our way to Burning Man. There are more than a few kinky themed events. We don’t typically participate in them as we are more the monogamous nerdy type. Regardless, it’s fun to read through the guide and see how the kinkier half lives. I’m reading aloud to him when I come across a bondage camp offering classes and free ‘playtime’ on their equipment.)

Me: “Ooh!” *wiggling my eyebrows* “This camp has open dungeon time.”

Husband: *looks up with genuine excitement* “Like, we could kill orcs, and get experience points and stuff?!”

Me: “And that, my love, is why we will never be the cool kids.”

(We’re on a road trip when Dad starts hiccupping. I’m the oldest of five kids.)
 
Mom: “Hold your breath!”
 
Dad: “I tried that!”
 
Mom: “I’m pregnant.”
 
Dad: “WHAT?!”
 
Mom: “Did I scare you enough?”
 
Dad: “You’re crazy, you know that? Yes, you scared me enough!”
 
(The next day, it’s Mom that’s hiccupping.)
 
Dad: “Mary, I’m pregnant.”
 
(My mom stares at him, cracks up, and is no longer hiccupping. Since then, our family has cure hiccups by declaring pregnancy.)

(My boyfriend has a very interesting way of telling me we are lost when he is driving.)

Me: “We are meeting them at the mall, so we have to make a u-turn.”

Boyfriend: “Okay. Since the freeway is backed up, I’ll take local way.”

Me: “Are you sure you know where you are going?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah. My siblings and I used to take the bus to the mall all the time. I’ll take that route.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

(15 minutes later…)

Me: “Honey… this isn’t the right mall.”

(The car is silent as we drive around for another 10 minutes.)

Boyfriend: “Honey… guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “ADVENTURE TIME!”

Me: “Ah, f***.”

(I’m explaining the saying ‘You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’ to my 9-year-old son.)

Me: “You can get more nice things if you act sweet than if you are sour and nasty.”

Son: “Oh, so the honey is like if I act sweet.”

Me: “Right!”

Son: “And vinegar is if I am being sour and nasty?”

Me: “You got it!”

Son: “And the flies are nice things?”

Me: “Um. I guess so.”

Son: “Why are flies nice things?”

Me: “Um…”

Son: “Who wants to catch flies, anyway? Don’t you want them to go away?”

(I think all he learned is that idioms are stupid!)