(My sister and I (aged around 10 and 12 respectively) are arguing in the back seat of the car.)

Me: *to sister angrily* “You’re a s***-head!”

Mum: *wearily* “People who resort to using swear words are showing they’re not smart enough to use the proper words.”

Me: *to sister* “You’re a faeces-face!”

(My fiancée and I are in town to get married. We are both originally from here and both our families are here so we figured it would be easier to have the wedding here as well. We need to make multiple stops, including the Town Clerk to get the marriage license and her bank to close out her account as there’s not a branch within 500 miles of our new home. Then I have to drop her off at a restaurant with her mother so they can finish some last minute prep.)

Fiancée: “Let’s get the license first, even though we’ll pass the bank first. Those girls usually aren’t perky until they’ve had their first cup of coffee, and since I’m closing out the account I want to make sure they’re as perky as they can be.”

Me: “It’s always good to have perky girls first thing in the morning.”

Fiancée: *death glare*

Me: “Sweetheart, you’ve known me 16 years, and we’ve been together 5… You know that setup was too good to pass up.”

Fiancée: “Fair enough.” *trying to not crack a smile*

(I am driving two of my friends through town to an event that begins at a specific time. One is in the passenger seat, and the other is behind him in the rear-passenger seat. Despite being in their early 30s, neither of them possesses a license of their own.)

Friend #1: *looking at the traffic building up ahead* “Wow, it’s really busy today. You don’t think we’re going to be late, do you?”

Friend #2: “Kinda wish we’d come out earlier, or we’re going to miss the start at this rate.”

Me: “Nah, we’ll be fine. The traffic’s just here because of the roadworks, and they’re only another couple of miles down this road, just before the roundabout. After that it’s all clear for the rest of the way.”

(Both of my friends glance at each other in the mirror, clearly looking astonished at my incredible ability to see into the future.)

Friend #2: “SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!”

(I point out the window – to THEIR side of the car – at the bright yellow sign set up on the pavement that we’re slowly driving past. It details everything that I have just told them, including a simple picture of the roundabout itself.)

Me: “There’s been one of those things every 400 yards for the last four miles. Did you SERIOUSLY not see any of them?”

Friend #2: “Well, now I’m just disappointed that you’re not actually psychic…”

(We have some friends from Florida come down to visit. These are some strict business women. After showing them a great night my dad is driving them back to their hotel room because they’ve had just a ‘ittle’ too much wine.)

Woman #1: “That is the most fun I have had in some time.”

Woman #2: “I have my shoes in one hand, socks in the other, and lobster. I love Canada.”

Dad: “That wasn’t fun. In Canada, if you’ve had fun you have your shoes and socks in one hand, and your bra and panties in the other.”

(I am about 14, on vacation with my sisters and my grandmother. My grandmother has rented a sedan for the trip. As she opens the trunk so we can stow some beach gear inside, I notice there is a glow-in-the-dark latch with instructions printed on it inside. It looks like a device to pop the trunk in case you get trapped inside.)

Me: “What a weird thing to have inside your trunk.”

Grandmother: *deadpans* “It’s the anti-mafia latch. Usually you’re dead when they put you in the trunk, but in case you’re not…”