(I’m buying a tablet off Craigslist with my dad. We meet with the seller, and he gets in our car to show us the tablet.)
Me: “The battery’s dead. Mind if we go to our house to check?”
Seller: “All right. I’ll follow you, okay?”
(Before we can say anything, he gets out of our car and goes back to his, leaving the tablet in the car. We are in a Porsche, and he is in a Kia.)
Dad: “We could lose him in six seconds flat. What is that guy thinking?”
Brother: “Dad, what’s chicken made out of?”
Dad: *surprised* “Chicken.”
Brother: “No, but what animal?”
(I am riding in the car with my three-year-old daughter and two-year-old son when they begin bouncing a nonsense phrase back and forth to each other.)
Daughter: “Everybody was poats!”
Son: “Everybody was poats!”
Daughter: “Everybody was poats!”
Son: “Everybody was poats!”
Daughter: “Everybody was poats!”
Son: “Everybody was poats!”
(This goes on rhythmically for about fifteen minutes, during which I’m apparently being lulled into a false sense of security, because:)
Daughter: “Everybody was poats!”
Son: “Everybody was poats!”
Daughter: *shouting at the top of her lungs* “DEMON LLAMA!”
(I laughed so hard from shock that I almost crashed the car.)
(My boyfriend and I are in the car talking about politics.)
Me: “I hate how even punching someone is illegal nowadays.”
Boyfriend: “Right? Back in the ‘dark ages’ you could kill someone and get off fine!”
Me: “Well, not scot free. Families would be out for blood if you killed their kid.”
Boyfriend: “No one would be able to take me; I’d be like a king.”
Me: “Would you kill me?”
Boyfriend: “Are you kidding? I love you. I’d let you live in the castle of the rich guy I just killed while I’m off fighting.”
Me: “That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.”
(I’m in the car on the way to a video game store with my two friends. We’re talking about plans for an up and coming trip, especially what alcohol to bring.)
Friend #1: “We still have that [generic hard liquor].”
Friend #2: “But neither of us like it.”
Me: “Why’d you buy it? Even I know that stuff is nasty.”
Friend #1: “I was pissed from work. So what should we do with it? It’s just sitting in my cupboard.”
Friend #2: “Set it on fire?”
Friend #1: “There’s not enough alcohol in it to set it on fire.”
Friend #2: “We’ll think of a way! Science, b****es!”
Me: “And that ladies and gentleman is the quote of the night.”
Friend #2: “We should do it in the parking of the hotel!”
Friend #1: “We are not getting kicked out of the hotel for using science to burn crappy alcohol!”
Me: “I’ll post it on YouTube!”
Friend #1: “You’re not helping!“
