(My family and I are on a road trip in the car together. At the time, my brother is about 10 or 11 years old. My brother is sitting in the very back seat, uncharacteristically quiet and deep in thought. Suddenly, we hear him say:)
Brother: “I wish every part of me had a tongue!”
(I am in the delivery van with my boss, who is a very bad driver. My boss misses the exit on the highway, STOPS the van in the middle of the road and BACKS UP several hundred feet to get back to the exit, to the sound of the cars around us honking and flipping him off.)
Me: “What the h*** are you doing?!”
Boss: “Getting to the exit. Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: “You’re going to get us killed!”
Boss: “What would you have done?”
Me: “Gotten off at the next exit.”
Boss: “That’s too many steps!”
(My boyfriend is visiting. As he loves boiled peanuts, I bought some to surprise him. I pull off the lid and hold it while we are talking. He suddenly snatches the lid from me.)
Boyfriend: “It was dripping on you.”
Me: “There’s a sex joke in there somewhere…”
Boyfriend: “…”
Me: “Something like: ‘you don’t want me to get wet?’ Does that sound weird?”
Boyfriend: “No, the fact that it was your own nuts that made you wet is weird.”
(My mum loves to tell this story. I’m still a toddler in this story. My mother and I are pulling into the driveway of my grandfather’s house.)
Me: *reads off the numbers on my grandfather’s house*
Mum: “Oh, very good! We’re going to have to tell Grandpa you know his address!”
Me: *with a ‘duh’ voice* “MUM, Grandpa’s a BOY. He doesn’t wear a DRESS!”
(I am allergic to spider venom, whereas my fiancé is not. He is also rather stoic about bugs and is not really afraid of any of them. This happens when we are riding to his house in the car.)
Me: *suddenly stiffening* “Honey, there’s a jumping spider right by your head! Don’t move suddenly, or he might jump toward me.”
Fiancé: *trying to look out of the corner of his eye* “Where? Don’t worry about it. They can’t jump far. An inch, maybe?”
Me: *leaning as far away as possible* “No, honey, it can jump as far as me over here.”
Fiancé: *suddenly tense* “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yep. And it’s moving, now. Watch out.”
(I keep him updated on the location of the spider as we drive down the road, with him getting more and more uncharacteristically nervous. Eventually, the spider slides into a crack in the door and is no longer visible.)
Fiancé: *glances over and realizes the spider is gone and suddenly screams at the top of his lungs* “OH, MY GOD! IT JUMPED! OH, MY GOD, WHERE IS IT! HOLY CRAP, IT JUMPED!”
Me: *laughing hysterically* “HONEY! Calm down. It went into the car door.”
Fiancé: *still yelling* “ARE YOU SURE?! OH, MY GOD, IT JUMPED!”
Me: *crying from laughing so hard* “It’s just hiding! It didn’t jump on you!”
Fiancé: *hyperventilating*
Me: “Do you need to pull the car over? Why are you freaking out so much?”
Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!”
Me: “I’m the one who’s allergic, not you! Why are you so scared all the sudden?”
Fiancé: “I DON’T KNOW!” *slowly looks to his door* “Can you still see it?”
Me: “Yes, honey, it’s still in the door.”
Fiancé: “Oh, thank God.” *thinks about what just happened* “…I need to hand in my man card, now, don’t I?”
Me: “Not your best moment, honey.”
