Me: “Okay, everyone, time for a restroom break…”
Teen Daughter: “But Mom, I don’t need to.”
Me: “[Teen Daughter], this is a long trip and I don’t want to be stopping every time someone needs to go. If we all go at the same time, our bladders will be synced up.”
Teen Daughter: “Mom, I don’t feel the need!”
Me: “I don’t care. In the words of Gandalf, ‘You shall PISS!'”
(My boyfriend and I love to watch shows like How I Met Your Mother, M*A*S*H, etc., but we also love animated shows and movies…)
Me: “[Ex] always liked that one stupid thing from Madagascar 2… and every now and again I hear his voice in my head quoting it and I cringe… I liked Madagascar 1 but I never wanted to see 2.”
Boyfriend: “I didn’t like Madagascar. It seemed like DreamsWorks’ attempt at not being bad… Nothing they made was really good until How I Met Your Dragon…”
Me: *laughs hysterically* “How to TRAIN Your Dragon!”
Boyfriend: “Nope! It’s How I Met Your Dragon, now!”
Me: “And that kids… is how I met your dragon!”
(My mom, my aunt, my sister, my cousin’s two-year-old daughter, and I are headed grocery shopping. The toddler is eating Ritz Bits and offers some to my sister.)
Toddler: *to my sister as she gives her a Ritz* “Mm! Yum!”
Sister: *smiles and puts the cracker in her mouth* “Thank you!”
Toddler: *to me as she tries to shove a Ritz into my mouth* “Yum!”
Me: *pushing it away* “No, thank you. I don’t want one.”
(The little one doesn’t want to take no for an answer so she shoves the cracker down my tank top, straight into my cleavage, then pats my chest.)
Me: “What the—”
Toddler: *smiling* “For later!”
(We all burst into laughter. My aunt has no clue where her granddaughter picked up that idea!)
Mom: “Wow, you’re really becoming BBF’s with that new girl from work aren’t you?”
Me: “That’s not it, Mom.”
Mom: “BBF’s? Best buddy friends?”
Me: “No, Mom. It’s BFF’s.”
Mom: “Best f****** friends?”
Me: “NO, MOM! ”
(Texting my sister this story.)
Sister: “Man, I hate it when she tries to be cool and use the abbrevs.”
(I tend to be VERY sarcastic if I’m not careful, and my husband is still not always sure when I am serious or not unless I say so. This conversation happens after telling him that my dad just bought my sister a boat.)
Husband: *annoyed by my dad’s poor financial track record* “Your dad just spends money like a caffeinated five-year-old in a candy store and—”
Me: “Wait… you can caffeinate a five year old? Then set him loose in a candy store? That doesn’t sound smart.”
Husband: “That was just an expression. No, you don’t do that.”
Me: “I know, I know… sorry. Please continue.”
Husband: “Anyway, he just spends money like a caffeinated five year old in a candy store and doesn’t consult with his wife about anything and—”
Me: “Wait, now this caffeinated five year old is married?!”
Husband: “…”
Me: “Sorry, couldn’t help it… Easy target…”
