(My older brother and I are riding together to meet our parents for dinner. I am whining about being too shy to ask if I can go on a cross-state trip with just one of my friends. Both my friend and I are female and my parents are overprotective.)

Brother: “You should just go and apologize later. Grow some balls!”

Me: “But, I’m a girl.”

Brother: “Well, grow some lady-balls.”

Me: “Lady-balls? So, like, ovaries? Pretty sure I’ve got those already.”

(I am driving one day with my dad in the passenger seat. We stop at a stop light and witness a woman, who has also stopped at the red light, get out of her car, pop open her trunk, grab a beer, and climb back into the driver’s seat.)

Dad: “And that is why I’m scared to drive on the roads these days.”

(I have Asperger’s and thus tend to be a bit weird about things. My husband has just gotten a new job that allows him to grow facial hair and we are discussing what styles I would be okay with him having.)

Husband: “Wait, so a long beard with mustache is okay, but a long mustache or a long goatee is not okay?”

Me: “Yes. Long mustaches without a beard are creepy and long goatees are just gross.”

Husband: “I am not equipped to deal with your neurosis.”

Me: “Hey! You had ample warning! My mom even sat you down and talked about it!”

Husband: “Well, they warned you about me and you didn’t listen.”

Me: “Yeah, but they were wrong about you so that doesn’t count.”

(At an earlier occasion I have mentioned to my mom that I will probably want to be cremated when I die. The following happens as we drive past a crematorium.)

Mom: *pointing* “That is where you will burn one day!”

Me: “Okay, everyone, time for a restroom break…”

Teen Daughter: “But Mom, I don’t need to.”

Me: “[Teen Daughter], this is a long trip and I don’t want to be stopping every time someone needs to go. If we all go at the same time, our bladders will be synced up.”

Teen Daughter: “Mom, I don’t feel the need!”

Me: “I don’t care. In the words of Gandalf, ‘You shall PISS!'”