(When driving, my family often points out house or land that we’d love to have. When driving in the Hill Country of Texas, this is even more frequent. We come up on this beautiful white house atop a green grassy hill with two old oak trees and surrounded by green rolling hills and pastures. It looks like something out of a painting. When I see it I actually gasp aloud.)

Mom: “What? What is it?”

Me: “Oh, nothing serious, sorry. But look at that house on the hill up there! It’s gorgeous!”

(Mom silently observes it as we near it. As we pass it, she still hasn’t said anything.)

Me: “Mom?”

Mom: *narrows eyes before shaking her head* “No, no. That won’t do.”

(I stare at her a moment before asking.)

Me: “Uh, what?”

(She glances at me as though I’m dumb.)

Mom: “It’s not defendable.”

Me: *blink slowly* “Not… defendable?”

Mom: *exasperatedly sighs* “Yes, [My Name], from zombies.”

Me: “Mom, I think you need to lay off The Walking Dead for a while.”

(I’m in the car with my mom as we’re running errands. My hobby is collecting a particular brand of action figure, and I’m talking to her about an upcoming convention where attendees receive a set of exclusive figures. My mom is divorced.)

Me: I’m planning on only keeping one figure out of the set and selling the rest. Because the rest of the figures are kind of ugly and I don’t need the whole set. I’m getting pickier about what I buy, you know?”

Mom: “I know. That’s why I haven’t re-married yet.”

(My cousin is driving in the countryside when he sees a driver lose control of his pickup and crash. He stops and sees the other car upside down in the ditch with smoke coming out. He helps the driver get out by the window. The other driver, still in shock, goes back to his car, pulls out a twelve pack of beer and says:

Guy: “D***, I’m lucky. None of them broke!”

(He then opened a beer and started drinking while my cousin called the cops…)

(My friend loves to text and drive. One day we are in the car with both our sons in the back. She starts to text.)

Me: “Stop texting.”

Her: “Stop f***ing telling me what to do.”

Me: “Sorry for not wanting you to get in a wreck with my son in the car.”

Her: “I only do it when I know I’ve got it and I’m not going to wreck.”

Me: “I bet everyone who died from texting and driving said the same thing.”

Her: “Whatever. I’m a good driver.”

Me: “Yeah, but not everyone else is.”

(She still texts and drives, and I hope nothing ever happens.)

(Sister #1 is being really weird, saying ‘chicken butt’ out loud many times and just being random. Sister #2, her friend, and my mom are in the car as well.)

Me: “Hey, Mom, isn’t [Sister #1] acting like [Sister #2] did when she was younger and I had friends over?”

Mom: “What friends?”